Will Work for Swords

Next week is going to be full of insanity, because OMJESUS THURSDAY IS DRAFT NIGHT. I honestly have no idea what's going to happen. I keep going back and forth between thinking that I'm awesome and they'll totally pick me, and feeling like I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. I really have no way of reading what the teams are thinking, and I'm not a good enough schmoozer to ask without feeling doofy and awkward about it.

I really hope I get drafted. I don't necessarily expect it, but I'm hoping. There are a lot of strong players in the pool, and I've never been the best at anything athletic before, but I've also never worked this hard for it before. I'll admit it: I *would* be hugely disappointed if I didn't get drafted, and if I *do* get drafted, I'd feel that it's well-deserved. Still, I think I'll be relieved to have it overwith, regardless of the result.

Thinking about what to write for my draft packet led me to write this, and it sums up a lot of why derby has become such a big deal for me, over the past year. I could go on for pages and pages about how derby has changed me, and about my life and my history prior to it--and really, I already *have* here on LJ, over the years--but I think my draft packet statement is already bordering on TL;DR territory, so I’ll just leave it at this. ;)

I think a lot of people who know me expected that roller derby would be an easy thing for me to take on, in the beginning. I did martial arts for over 6 years before joining RCR, so it seemed like I had advantages going in, but that wasn’t enough to make being on wheels “easy.” In fact, derby has easily been one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced in my life.

What a lot of people don’t know is that, before the winter of 2003, I’d gotten up past 230+ lbs., and I’d been mediocre-at-best at anything athletic even when I was smaller. I wasn’t even that good at kung fu while I was doing it, but I got in shape, and did things I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do. I didn’t take myself seriously as an athlete, though, and I think I was almost afraid to aim for First Place. I just didn’t believe that was possible for me.

I never expected derby to become such a big deal to me when I joined Wreckers in the summer of 2010, but when I made it onto Fresh Meat, things got serious, and much, much harder. There was no shortage of physical challenges during those first few months on Fresh Meat, and I had a lot of hard, painful, and demoralizing days, but something kept me coming back. I’m happy that I did, because derby has changed my perspectives about myself and the world around me, more than I ever thought possible in such a short time.

Derby didn’t just give me challenges to overcome, it also gave me the resources and opportunities I needed to overcome them. Derby came with a community of people that gives a shit about the sport and about the people in it. Derby has gotten me to stop stressing out about pounds and inches, and focus on what my body can physically do. Derby has taught me that I really can accomplish anything. Derby taught me how to look at what I want, say Yes, and go after it.

I don’t know what my derby future holds, but I do know that I’m having a great time playing this game, and I’m excited to keep learning, doing, and becoming more. I feel like anything and everything is possible, not just in derby, but in the whole of my life. That’s a pretty damned awesome feeling.

So, I've said in various venues that derby has been both physically and emotionally challenging. When I went to Wreckers on Saturday, it seemed as though the universe set out to highlight the emotional part of that challenge, with bright, blinking, neon letters.

Saturday before last, I'd expected to be all-over-the-place, because I'd been off-skates for two weeks, and was generally exhausted, sore, and injured. This Saturday, however, I was expecting to do better, and be able to dig in and build some skills, rather than spend most of the practice getting readjusted to the whole thing of being on skates.

Instead, I ended up in a pace line drill. I was near the back, but I fell behind almost immediately. And, whenever I tried to go faster to catch up, my wheels would start to slip. They'd felt that way ever since I switched back from outdoor wheels to indoor wheels, so I thought that maybe I'd done it wrong. So, I figured, eh, I'll hang back and try to feel this out.

Before I really knew what was happening, though, I was being pushed from behind, and that only sort of helped. Once we started going above a certain speed, I started to freeze up, even though I was being urged to keep moving my feet. I finally let the line go ahead of me, because my wheels still felt "off," and I thought something might be wrong.

So, I stopped at the sidelines and tried to adjust my wheels, and came back on, frustrated as hell, but wanting to try and catch up on my own. I still struggled to catch up, though, and my adjustments didn't help at all. And then, I was offered a hand, and I took it, and suddenly I was being pulled faster and faster. And I didn't want to go that fast, because my wheels were slipping and catching and I didn't know why. So, I started to panic again, and then I wiped out in spectacular fashion.

When I climbed back up off the ground, I was angry, and frustrated, and I actually wanted to CRY. Which, of course, made me feel like more of a lily-livered pansy. And as I started to skate again, our guest coach rolled up next to me, and was clearly trying to encourage me to get back into it, and then she said, "what's wrong? You already look like you're defeated."

And you know? That's *exactly* how it felt.

I wound up saying, "I really don't like being pushed or pulled," but that was only partly true. Being pushed and pulled is natural part of working in a team in derby, so I *will* have to get used to that, and I know that I can once I get better. But, being pushed or pulled at a speed that's faster than my awkward, newbie skillset can possibly control? Scared. The. CRAP out of me. And I couldn't deal with it, and I freaked. And I did not enjoy being in that place at ALL.

Things did improve not long after that; I had our regular coach adjust my skate trucks while she lowered my toe stops, and I didn't feel like such a slippery mess after that. But, my focus for the day was all-but-gone, and I felt like any illusion I had of appearing to be the hardcore, fit, Tough Girl in the newbie squad was basically shot.

So, in 15 short minutes, I basically (re-)learned the following:
1) I do not often like to relinquish control of my person or my situation, which makes it harder to accept help.
2) When I'm feeling out-of-my-depth, I can be even *more* of a control freak, which is not generally helpful.
3) I may never be able to keep a cool head in a scary situation. In the fight, flight, or freeze scenario, I *always* freeze.
4) I do not like feeling weak, and I do not like appearing so.

In a way, the physical training aspect of Derby is the easy part, so far. I mean, yeah, the discipline and the work involved is hard, but at least I *know* how to make my body strong and healthy. Cultivating balance and body awareness will be harder, but Taiji and Yoga have given me at least some idea of how to do that.

Managing the emotions, however? That's going to take some doing. But then again, it always does.