This one's about derby.
Sep. 20th, 2010 04:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
batskeetsSo, I've said in various venues that derby has been both physically and emotionally challenging. When I went to Wreckers on Saturday, it seemed as though the universe set out to highlight the emotional part of that challenge, with bright, blinking, neon letters.
Saturday before last, I'd expected to be all-over-the-place, because I'd been off-skates for two weeks, and was generally exhausted, sore, and injured. This Saturday, however, I was expecting to do better, and be able to dig in and build some skills, rather than spend most of the practice getting readjusted to the whole thing of being on skates.
Instead, I ended up in a pace line drill. I was near the back, but I fell behind almost immediately. And, whenever I tried to go faster to catch up, my wheels would start to slip. They'd felt that way ever since I switched back from outdoor wheels to indoor wheels, so I thought that maybe I'd done it wrong. So, I figured, eh, I'll hang back and try to feel this out.
Before I really knew what was happening, though, I was being pushed from behind, and that only sort of helped. Once we started going above a certain speed, I started to freeze up, even though I was being urged to keep moving my feet. I finally let the line go ahead of me, because my wheels still felt "off," and I thought something might be wrong.
So, I stopped at the sidelines and tried to adjust my wheels, and came back on, frustrated as hell, but wanting to try and catch up on my own. I still struggled to catch up, though, and my adjustments didn't help at all. And then, I was offered a hand, and I took it, and suddenly I was being pulled faster and faster. And I didn't want to go that fast, because my wheels were slipping and catching and I didn't know why. So, I started to panic again, and then I wiped out in spectacular fashion.
When I climbed back up off the ground, I was angry, and frustrated, and I actually wanted to CRY. Which, of course, made me feel like more of a lily-livered pansy. And as I started to skate again, our guest coach rolled up next to me, and was clearly trying to encourage me to get back into it, and then she said, "what's wrong? You already look like you're defeated."
And you know? That's *exactly* how it felt.
I wound up saying, "I really don't like being pushed or pulled," but that was only partly true. Being pushed and pulled is natural part of working in a team in derby, so I *will* have to get used to that, and I know that I can once I get better. But, being pushed or pulled at a speed that's faster than my awkward, newbie skillset can possibly control? Scared. The. CRAP out of me. And I couldn't deal with it, and I freaked. And I did not enjoy being in that place at ALL.
Things did improve not long after that; I had our regular coach adjust my skate trucks while she lowered my toe stops, and I didn't feel like such a slippery mess after that. But, my focus for the day was all-but-gone, and I felt like any illusion I had of appearing to be the hardcore, fit, Tough Girl in the newbie squad was basically shot.
So, in 15 short minutes, I basically (re-)learned the following:
1) I do not often like to relinquish control of my person or my situation, which makes it harder to accept help.
2) When I'm feeling out-of-my-depth, I can be even *more* of a control freak, which is not generally helpful.
3) I may never be able to keep a cool head in a scary situation. In the fight, flight, or freeze scenario, I *always* freeze.
4) I do not like feeling weak, and I do not like appearing so.
In a way, the physical training aspect of Derby is the easy part, so far. I mean, yeah, the discipline and the work involved is hard, but at least I *know* how to make my body strong and healthy. Cultivating balance and body awareness will be harder, but Taiji and Yoga have given me at least some idea of how to do that.
Managing the emotions, however? That's going to take some doing. But then again, it always does.
Saturday before last, I'd expected to be all-over-the-place, because I'd been off-skates for two weeks, and was generally exhausted, sore, and injured. This Saturday, however, I was expecting to do better, and be able to dig in and build some skills, rather than spend most of the practice getting readjusted to the whole thing of being on skates.
Instead, I ended up in a pace line drill. I was near the back, but I fell behind almost immediately. And, whenever I tried to go faster to catch up, my wheels would start to slip. They'd felt that way ever since I switched back from outdoor wheels to indoor wheels, so I thought that maybe I'd done it wrong. So, I figured, eh, I'll hang back and try to feel this out.
Before I really knew what was happening, though, I was being pushed from behind, and that only sort of helped. Once we started going above a certain speed, I started to freeze up, even though I was being urged to keep moving my feet. I finally let the line go ahead of me, because my wheels still felt "off," and I thought something might be wrong.
So, I stopped at the sidelines and tried to adjust my wheels, and came back on, frustrated as hell, but wanting to try and catch up on my own. I still struggled to catch up, though, and my adjustments didn't help at all. And then, I was offered a hand, and I took it, and suddenly I was being pulled faster and faster. And I didn't want to go that fast, because my wheels were slipping and catching and I didn't know why. So, I started to panic again, and then I wiped out in spectacular fashion.
When I climbed back up off the ground, I was angry, and frustrated, and I actually wanted to CRY. Which, of course, made me feel like more of a lily-livered pansy. And as I started to skate again, our guest coach rolled up next to me, and was clearly trying to encourage me to get back into it, and then she said, "what's wrong? You already look like you're defeated."
And you know? That's *exactly* how it felt.
I wound up saying, "I really don't like being pushed or pulled," but that was only partly true. Being pushed and pulled is natural part of working in a team in derby, so I *will* have to get used to that, and I know that I can once I get better. But, being pushed or pulled at a speed that's faster than my awkward, newbie skillset can possibly control? Scared. The. CRAP out of me. And I couldn't deal with it, and I freaked. And I did not enjoy being in that place at ALL.
Things did improve not long after that; I had our regular coach adjust my skate trucks while she lowered my toe stops, and I didn't feel like such a slippery mess after that. But, my focus for the day was all-but-gone, and I felt like any illusion I had of appearing to be the hardcore, fit, Tough Girl in the newbie squad was basically shot.
So, in 15 short minutes, I basically (re-)learned the following:
1) I do not often like to relinquish control of my person or my situation, which makes it harder to accept help.
2) When I'm feeling out-of-my-depth, I can be even *more* of a control freak, which is not generally helpful.
3) I may never be able to keep a cool head in a scary situation. In the fight, flight, or freeze scenario, I *always* freeze.
4) I do not like feeling weak, and I do not like appearing so.
In a way, the physical training aspect of Derby is the easy part, so far. I mean, yeah, the discipline and the work involved is hard, but at least I *know* how to make my body strong and healthy. Cultivating balance and body awareness will be harder, but Taiji and Yoga have given me at least some idea of how to do that.
Managing the emotions, however? That's going to take some doing. But then again, it always does.
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no subject
Date: 2010-09-21 12:24 am (UTC)Which is a long way for me to say - I can sympathize with this, and I'm sending you good thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-21 06:35 am (UTC)If you enjoy it enough to keep going back, it probably is.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-21 02:30 pm (UTC)Many hugs.