Giving Up and Grabbing On

[batskeets]

I don't have to push so hard.

At some point yesterday, when I was sitting at a hockey game, wondering if I was the third wheel in the scenario--and yes, clearly, that was not my expectation--something in me gave up.

Then, after I got home, I looked back on the situation, and something in me started to laugh. It's all just very, very silly.

This song and dance is one part foolishness, two parts heart, and one part utter confusion, and I don't think I feel like taking another trip across the stage. Maybe at some later date, if I see sign that there's something waiting in the wings other than a keen dagger waiting to be plunged into my soft underbelly, I'll trip the light fantastic across those boards. But for now? Fuck it. Whatever happens, even if "whatever" turns out to be nothing.

To give up on the constructs, the formalities, the fakery, the wangst, and grab hold of something real. That's all I want, in the end.

Thing is, I had upwards of 15 people in my home on Thanksgiving, faces that I love. I have goals that are finally taking shape, and starting to yield real results. I have amazing people to share in the work I love. When I have an exhausting and disappointing day, I can end it with a beer and a shoulder to cry on, or at least a listening ear to rant at. An idle wandering down to my kitchen can result in an impromptu 15-second dance party, and a flare of anxiety is met with comforting hands on my shoulders, and offers of assistance.

I've had some very real things, staring me in the face, waiting to be taken for my own. Why hasn't that been enough?

Maybe it should be. Maybe it's time to give up on the chase, and start grabbing onto the things that I'm ready for. The things that are ready for me.

I don't have to push so hard.

(I swear, one of these days, I should have that tattooed across my forehead.)

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_dilate_/]

This is all good and accurate.

Also, watch out, because when you give up is when the gentlemen start to sense a battle and come knocking.

Also, Darrel said "she's good looking, I bet she never has any shortage of guys after her"

[skeets.livejournal.com]

Heh, well if they're the ones knocking, at least I can weed out the Mormon missionaries and child molesters before I open the door.

And, it is with dudes as it is with many other things: quality is much harder to find than quantity. :p

[http://users.livejournal.com/_dilate_/]

Haha- getting quantity isn't easy for some of us either. At least you have that!

[drjeff.livejournal.com]

I think you rock, for what it's worth. :)

Yeah, the art of giving up is one that comes with time and practice. Eventually, you start to believe that it actually works.

[archmage.livejournal.com]

Damn right.

[beatnikbetty.livejournal.com]

:) well damn that sounds pretty upbeat. :)

realizing that what you have is what you want is a great feeling.

[skeets.livejournal.com]

Heh, I think it's only half as upbeat as it sounds... equal parts, "insanely grateful," and, "throwing my hands up in disgust," is probably more accurate to how I'm currently feeling. But, yes, there's not much reason to continue tolerating the B.S., when there's good to be had all around.

[anywhereanyone.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a third wheel is necessary.

[lillilah]

Yep, being awesome all on your own is a completely acceptable option. Go you!