JESUS CHRIST x_x

I came in the door with Ring of Fire stuck in my head from the Tolerable Country Mix CD I burned a couple weeks ago, only to find out that Johnny Cash passed away.

Then I found out like 30 seconds later that John Ritter also died! I was watching a rerun of Three's Company on Nick at Nite at the time.

I am slightly weirded out now, and very, very bummed.

Sad, sad song

I have to link Wil Wheaton's post about this, because I had the exact same thought last night. My mom and dad are rolling up on 53 and 51, respectively. And my grandpa is two years *older* than Johnny Cash.

I suddenly want Christmas to get here. Now.

I feel sad, sometimes, because I don't always keep people, even those in my family, up-to-date on things in my life. I've never really felt there's a lot that's really going on with me, you know? At least, not a lot that other people would consider significant. And, given that I have always been a bit socially awkward, I never really know what to say, anyway, so I tend to operate under the assumption that, if anyone wants to know, they'll ask me.

And then, I realize that there aren't a lot of people I'm terribly close to, anymore. I think that people who are thousands of miles away--Alyson, Maya, Amer, and the like--know more about me than a lot people I see every day. Why is that? Is it because they've actually read all the aimless ramblings in this journal, where it's easier to talk about everything that's in my brain? I know that I can't say a lot of these things to a person's face, because the words never come to my lips quite as well as they flow to my fingers. And really, how would I ever bring them up?

But then I tell myself that, hey, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. When you start needing people too much, you start to depend on them more than is healthy. I did that with my first significant other, so much so that I wound up *needing* him, even when I didn't want him, and when I threw him out, there wasn't much left, to speak of. I was completely at a loss for what to do next. I know that's an incredibly oversimplified take on the situation, but it's something that I fear every day.

So now, I always strive for my own independence, and my own sense of self. I think this tends to grate on the nerves of those I'm closest to, because they never seem to get into my head, not 100%. But mostly, I want to be assured that, no matter what happens, and no matter who comes and goes from my life, that I will still know myself, and know my path, and be sure of it.

I am a fucking Amazon, in spirit if not in stature. But when you start needing people, that becomes harder and harder.

Maybe that's why hearing about Johnny Cash and John Ritter was so terrifying, this morning. I started thinking about watching Jack Tripper doing crazy pratfalls over the back of the couch, and seeing those with my mom the first time they aired, and then I started thinking about the numbers. Those numbers, those ages when people DIED, aren't as far off as they used to be. Some day, it could be happening to people who raised you, and built you up, and set the foundations for your entire life. And you realize that it could happen sooner than you think.

I lost my grandma before I really ever got old enough to appreciate her--I never really cried over her until many years later, when I finally came to that realization. But the rest of my family is still there, at least, and they still need each other. And I need them in a way that I can't seem to describe, even at the times when I don't want to need anyone. I'm completely not ready for any of them to stop being there, and I don't think that they really know that, but I'm not sure where to begin telling them.

But yes, I love my family. I hope they are at least somewhat aware of that, even if I've gotten pretty lousy at showing it.

"What is it?! Am I giving out some kind of...sexy professor vibe?"

Work last night was pretty boring, but eh, whatever. Dispatch is definitely the least fun part of the job.

Before that, I spent most of the evening tidying up the dresser and the desk, because my daddy sent me his old Epson Stylus 880 printer, so I had to make room for it. So far, it works great! The desk and dresser, however, were pretty gross. Dust is so, so evil, and there was a thick, nasty layer of it on various parts of the furniture. Eeeeeewwww. I sneezed big, scary sneezes for an hour or so afterwards. x_x

Right now, I'm cleaning the hutch of my desk, and then everything will be clean! I love it when my space is nice and tidy--things just seem so right that way.

Venturing into the absurd, I actually looked at this position yesterday, and flirted with the idea of applying for it, because it doesn't appear to mention anything about a graduate degree. (unless that's what they mean by "terminal degree") Of course, I would probably never, ever get hired for it, since I am just now finishing my B.S., but it'd be pretty hilarious if I did. Assistant Professor Sarah! ::adlfkadflkhasfldhasfl:: I would have some interesting ideas for the program, though, so perhaps it's not so farfetched. Just, y'know, when I'm older.

Speaking of jobs, there's a web design job I should apply for, but the application is very involved, so I'll have to set aside some time for it later. I basically took this week off from doing job apps, and I haven't gotten any other calls yet, so I think that, on Monday, I'm going to bite the bullet and go to the MALL. Oy.

I don't know what it is, exactly, but something about the prospect of working in a mall feels very High School. I have a bit of an aversion to it. But eh, maybe it won't be so bad once I actually get there and start collecting applications.

Anyhoo, back to the cleaning!

Oh yeah

It's Friday Five taimu!

( About my name )

Still cleaning. Aaaagggghhhh. Dusting is EVIL.

I also think it's pretty funny that this song came up on the WinAmp randomizer while I was cleaning.