Sad, sad song
Sep. 12th, 2003 04:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
batskeetsI have to link Wil Wheaton's post about this, because I had the exact same thought last night. My mom and dad are rolling up on 53 and 51, respectively. And my grandpa is two years *older* than Johnny Cash.
I suddenly want Christmas to get here. Now.
I feel sad, sometimes, because I don't always keep people, even those in my family, up-to-date on things in my life. I've never really felt there's a lot that's really going on with me, you know? At least, not a lot that other people would consider significant. And, given that I have always been a bit socially awkward, I never really know what to say, anyway, so I tend to operate under the assumption that, if anyone wants to know, they'll ask me.
And then, I realize that there aren't a lot of people I'm terribly close to, anymore. I think that people who are thousands of miles away--Alyson, Maya, Amer, and the like--know more about me than a lot people I see every day. Why is that? Is it because they've actually read all the aimless ramblings in this journal, where it's easier to talk about everything that's in my brain? I know that I can't say a lot of these things to a person's face, because the words never come to my lips quite as well as they flow to my fingers. And really, how would I ever bring them up?
But then I tell myself that, hey, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. When you start needing people too much, you start to depend on them more than is healthy. I did that with my first significant other, so much so that I wound up *needing* him, even when I didn't want him, and when I threw him out, there wasn't much left, to speak of. I was completely at a loss for what to do next. I know that's an incredibly oversimplified take on the situation, but it's something that I fear every day.
So now, I always strive for my own independence, and my own sense of self. I think this tends to grate on the nerves of those I'm closest to, because they never seem to get into my head, not 100%. But mostly, I want to be assured that, no matter what happens, and no matter who comes and goes from my life, that I will still know myself, and know my path, and be sure of it.
I am a fucking Amazon, in spirit if not in stature. But when you start needing people, that becomes harder and harder.
Maybe that's why hearing about Johnny Cash and John Ritter was so terrifying, this morning. I started thinking about watching Jack Tripper doing crazy pratfalls over the back of the couch, and seeing those with my mom the first time they aired, and then I started thinking about the numbers. Those numbers, those ages when people DIED, aren't as far off as they used to be. Some day, it could be happening to people who raised you, and built you up, and set the foundations for your entire life. And you realize that it could happen sooner than you think.
I lost my grandma before I really ever got old enough to appreciate her--I never really cried over her until many years later, when I finally came to that realization. But the rest of my family is still there, at least, and they still need each other. And I need them in a way that I can't seem to describe, even at the times when I don't want to need anyone. I'm completely not ready for any of them to stop being there, and I don't think that they really know that, but I'm not sure where to begin telling them.
But yes, I love my family. I hope they are at least somewhat aware of that, even if I've gotten pretty lousy at showing it.
I suddenly want Christmas to get here. Now.
I feel sad, sometimes, because I don't always keep people, even those in my family, up-to-date on things in my life. I've never really felt there's a lot that's really going on with me, you know? At least, not a lot that other people would consider significant. And, given that I have always been a bit socially awkward, I never really know what to say, anyway, so I tend to operate under the assumption that, if anyone wants to know, they'll ask me.
And then, I realize that there aren't a lot of people I'm terribly close to, anymore. I think that people who are thousands of miles away--Alyson, Maya, Amer, and the like--know more about me than a lot people I see every day. Why is that? Is it because they've actually read all the aimless ramblings in this journal, where it's easier to talk about everything that's in my brain? I know that I can't say a lot of these things to a person's face, because the words never come to my lips quite as well as they flow to my fingers. And really, how would I ever bring them up?
But then I tell myself that, hey, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. When you start needing people too much, you start to depend on them more than is healthy. I did that with my first significant other, so much so that I wound up *needing* him, even when I didn't want him, and when I threw him out, there wasn't much left, to speak of. I was completely at a loss for what to do next. I know that's an incredibly oversimplified take on the situation, but it's something that I fear every day.
So now, I always strive for my own independence, and my own sense of self. I think this tends to grate on the nerves of those I'm closest to, because they never seem to get into my head, not 100%. But mostly, I want to be assured that, no matter what happens, and no matter who comes and goes from my life, that I will still know myself, and know my path, and be sure of it.
I am a fucking Amazon, in spirit if not in stature. But when you start needing people, that becomes harder and harder.
Maybe that's why hearing about Johnny Cash and John Ritter was so terrifying, this morning. I started thinking about watching Jack Tripper doing crazy pratfalls over the back of the couch, and seeing those with my mom the first time they aired, and then I started thinking about the numbers. Those numbers, those ages when people DIED, aren't as far off as they used to be. Some day, it could be happening to people who raised you, and built you up, and set the foundations for your entire life. And you realize that it could happen sooner than you think.
I lost my grandma before I really ever got old enough to appreciate her--I never really cried over her until many years later, when I finally came to that realization. But the rest of my family is still there, at least, and they still need each other. And I need them in a way that I can't seem to describe, even at the times when I don't want to need anyone. I'm completely not ready for any of them to stop being there, and I don't think that they really know that, but I'm not sure where to begin telling them.
But yes, I love my family. I hope they are at least somewhat aware of that, even if I've gotten pretty lousy at showing it.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-14 10:54 pm (UTC)AS for being an Amazon women, I can totally relate! When my previous SO and I split, I realized I didn't know who I was. Since then I strive to do things for myself, so I remember who I am and what I want. I try not to need others to the point of dependency because I feel that is a weakness, yet .... I seem to want people to need me so that I can feel like I am wanted around. And that is just as much of a weakness to me, so basically I am just a mess, but I want to be strong enough not to need anyone. Now how does that work? I don't know maybe that is why I get so confused sometimes.
So that was long and rambly, something odd for me, I hope you don't mind.