Sep. 1st, 2016


Sep. 1st, 2016 03:37 pm
I like this.

I have never been the ebullient person, overflowing with volume and excitement. I enjoy things, but my expression of that isn't always pronounced. Anxiety, ADD, and Depression are words that loom in my history.

"You don't seem very excited," is something I heard a lot, growing up. As an adult, I sometimes find myself expressing more loudly, but probably more for the benefit of others than for my own sake.

If you ask me how I'm doing, I usually say, "I'm doing all right," or perhaps, "eh, hanging in there." If you were to ask me if I'm happy, I might shrug and say, "sure, I guess so." I'm not UNhappy, per se--I'm not sad on this day, and I haven't been depressed in quite a while. But am I overjoyed by the mere act of existing? Ehhh...?

I don't know if I'm happy. But, I have things and activities and people in my life that make me feel fulfilled, and that's pretty great. I feel a lot of gratitude about that.

An old and short-lived therapist of mine once suggested that my "set point" might simply be different than everyone else's--that I'm just naturally less happy, less excitable than other people. I felt vaguely ripped off, in that moment.

Don't get me wrong: therapy helped me cope. Therapy helped me understand what was happening to me, and learn how to manage it, and if I had it to do again, I absolutely would. Therapy helped me become a more fulfilled and more positive human being, and it made me aware of my own attitudes.

But, looking at this? This might be the first thing... maybe ever, which has made me feel that not being "happy" *doesn't* automatically mean that something is wrong with me.

I like this.

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