"Vinny, you're going down in flames, and you're bringing me with you."

I believe that we've officially hit the bottom of the sine wave that is my motivation. I think it's mainly due to the fact that it's week 9, and it's finally hitting me that school is almost over.

I'm really hating this phase of life. On the one hand, I really don't want to leave school. I had thoroughly miserable freshman and sophomore years, and I must admit to feeling robbed because of it. I'm not sure that I have a right to feel this way, though, because it's ultimately my fault that they didn't go better. There were a lot of things that I should have done far sooner than I did.

Overall, I'm feeling a bit closed in and trapped by the prospect of leaving college. I've become part of a lot of good things over the past year or so, and I don't want to leave them yet. I seriously wonder what will be there to fill the void once I become an honest-to-god adult. Or, more to the point, who will be there. I kind of have a history of letting my interpersonal relationships go to hell when I go through a major transition of this sort. Granted, in a lot of cases, it's as much their fault as it is mine, but it's not a good trend. I hope I can avoid it, but I don't really know for sure. I get very sad when things don't go the way they need to, and I hate subjecting other people to my presence when I'm sad.

BUT! On the other hand, there's the fact that I am so, so sick and tired of student life that I sometimes want to jump off a cliff. And by this, I mean the constant stress, the incredible lack of free time, the stream of homework and exams, the act of contorting my life into a position where I can live on $500 a month. I hate this, and I'm burnt out on it, and I can't wait to get the hell out of it. I just want to be able to work for 8 hours, and then come home and not have to think about anything in particular.

( And JESUS CHRIST this is getting long... )

"'Yee-Haw' is not a valid foreign policy."

Today has certainly been an up-and-down day. I think I'm feeling better now, though. ^^;

Anyway, I made $30 in 2.5 hours today--$10 for an anthropology study, and $20 for this freaky psych study where they stuck electrodes to my face and head to monitor my brain waves. The bad part was the electrode goop they applied to the contacts, which subsequently wound up in my hair. The nice part was that they allowed me to bring a few CDs to play in the little room while I did the task and they took the readings.

I played some RO earlier to help myself unwind, and I think that did the trick. I also leveled my new character on Sakray enough that I could turn her into an Archer! (junsiew--if you see an archer named Inaho, that's me!) I think the Archer class will be more forgiving than being an Acolyte, although I still have Raimu kicking around on Chaos if I want to mess with her later.

I'm studying kanji now and running dispatch here at the office, and it's wild and exciting, let me tell you. ;p After I practice kanji, I'm thinking I'll work on Nano. I have a whole new chapter to explore today. :)

And, I'm spent.