"Vinny, you're going down in flames, and you're bringing me with you."

[batskeets]

I believe that we've officially hit the bottom of the sine wave that is my motivation. I think it's mainly due to the fact that it's week 9, and it's finally hitting me that school is almost over.

I'm really hating this phase of life. On the one hand, I really don't want to leave school. I had thoroughly miserable freshman and sophomore years, and I must admit to feeling robbed because of it. I'm not sure that I have a right to feel this way, though, because it's ultimately my fault that they didn't go better. There were a lot of things that I should have done far sooner than I did.

Overall, I'm feeling a bit closed in and trapped by the prospect of leaving college. I've become part of a lot of good things over the past year or so, and I don't want to leave them yet. I seriously wonder what will be there to fill the void once I become an honest-to-god adult. Or, more to the point, who will be there. I kind of have a history of letting my interpersonal relationships go to hell when I go through a major transition of this sort. Granted, in a lot of cases, it's as much their fault as it is mine, but it's not a good trend. I hope I can avoid it, but I don't really know for sure. I get very sad when things don't go the way they need to, and I hate subjecting other people to my presence when I'm sad.

BUT! On the other hand, there's the fact that I am so, so sick and tired of student life that I sometimes want to jump off a cliff. And by this, I mean the constant stress, the incredible lack of free time, the stream of homework and exams, the act of contorting my life into a position where I can live on $500 a month. I hate this, and I'm burnt out on it, and I can't wait to get the hell out of it. I just want to be able to work for 8 hours, and then come home and not have to think about anything in particular.

Thing is, I have no idea what's going to happen post-grad. I live in an employment wasteland, and I have no idea if I'll find a job here. I don't really have enough money to move to another city, though, so I'm kind of hosed. I have three months of leeway where I'll still be working for DDS, but after that, if I haven't found something, I don't know what will happen.

My mom and dad have said that I can move in with them, which is something I kind of want to avoid. It's nice of them to offer, and I'll probably do it if I'm completely and totally out of options, but I don't think I could live like that for long. Having them there to give me guff every morning when I haven't found a job will likely suck away my ambition, you see. (it wouldn't happen right away, but after a while...) Plus, I'm hard-pressed to think of how there could be more opportunities in their location than there are in Eugene. But then, opportunities aren't exactly fruitful anywhere in this country, right now.

And of course, I have the Boy to consider, but some of his personal preferences only make this phase more difficult. I feel like I'm a lot more flexible in terms of where I'm willing to live, and while I do want to stay in the Northwest, I know that this will be difficult, perhaps nigh impossible, to pull off as an entry-level graduate. I don't know if he gets that.

The worst of it is, I haven't been the best student this term, and I know it. Maybe it's some subconscious effort to sabotage myself. I don't expect it to succeed, though, because while I'm afraid of what will happen when I do graduate, but I'm more afraid of what would happen if I don't graduate.

I guess I have to keep reminding myself of why I'm so eager to get out.

Comments

[koualecia.livejournal.com]

*huggle* You can make it through this. Just hang in there.

[nukey.livejournal.com]

My thoughts exactly. The whole "look at yourself in 5 years" thing is kinda scary, when you realize you're at the 5 year mark and feel like you're still at the start.

[rantar.livejournal.com]

Just so you know, I think there are jobs in this town for people with your skill set. I know ways you could add a few things and look really dang good. Heck, I was finding a lot more jobs more suited to you than me when I was job hunting. So I think you will be okay if you want to stay in Eugene, it'll just take a few months to find that job when you do start looking. Its good to at least have some income to fall back on to give yourself some time to look. The hardest part about getting a job is finding the right connections because I've learned the best way to get a job is to know somebody. I haven't developed too many yet, but let me know when you are getting serious about job hunting and I'll see what I can do. I don't know if you have done this yet, but if you have time work up a good porfolio/showcase of your work so you can have something at hand in case something comes out of the blue.

[addwag.livejournal.com]

connections are the key to getting a job fast-- sadly if you have a connection you will get the job over the person with talent

[rantar.livejournal.com]

Connection isn't always about favortism. Employers are afraid of getting a bad worker, somebody who will hurt the company. Resumes don't really tell the whole story and hiring new employees can be an expensive gamble. Having somebody you know and respect vouch for another person can help you get that employee that fits in your company better than one that might be more talented. I guess what I'm saying is talent is only one part of the equation when it comes to hiring workers. The other factors are much harder for a perspective employer to judge and thus he must rely on the judgement of others.

Of course the other option if you can't get somebody to vouch for you is to lessen the risk of finacially for your employer, but I think skeets would like to make some money.

[skeets.livejournal.com]

I was working on a portfolio over the summer, but I've done some stuff since then that I should probably add, so it's woefully out of date. I'll be fixing that over Winter Break.

But yeah, I'll be ramping up the job hunt within the next week or so, so I guess you can keep your eyes peeled for me. :) Thanks!

[addwag.livejournal.com]

I didnt know you were graduating this term :(
jobs are hard- I have been activly searching for months now and found nothing at all so thats mainly why I am considering JET or grad school- - there are no other options but I think if I could get a good job I would.

Honestly I totally didn't expect this to be such a transition in my life (big duh if you have read my journal lately) I am really quite scared shitless about what is going to happen to me (and I graduate winter term so you are doing much better than I). I am also though pretty burned out from school and starting to heavily resent getting up in the morning to get to class. wtf I am going to do with myself i dont know.

if I could take a year off and travel I would- but I dont have the money for that right now at all... blasted

ok sorry I just spilled my thearpy session on you

[skeets.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I was searching pretty hard for jobs during August-October, too, but I scaled it back a bit after a while. I was shot down multiple times because I didn't have immediate availability, so I figured I should just wait until I was closer to finishing. ^^;

I think JET would be a metric buttload of fun, and I would love to do it, but the Boy doesn't have quite the same fervent love of Japan that I do, nor does he have my 2.5 years of language study, so odds of him coming along are pretty bad. :p

Graduating winter term would almost seem better to me--you have more time than I do to find the right fit jobwise, and everything.

I think you'll do fine... it just takes an assload of patience, methinks. :)

[addwag.livejournal.com]

ah yes patience which I have none :)

[alaindan.livejournal.com]

If there's any way you can do JET, I'd say go for it...but I can understand if other constraints wouldn't make it so easy. A bunch fo my friends have.

Did you get my message over aim the other day? Much ddr happiness can be had on a visit. :) And come on, nothing makes life better than some DDR. :)

[skeets.livejournal.com]

I did! I haven't had a chance to sit down and IM anybody, is all. ^^; I should be around over break, except between 12/23-12/28 :)

[meredithcecile.livejournal.com]

I have heard some really good things about JET, I had a co-worker several years ago (she was a supervisor of mine) who had just gotten back and loved it. She also said she made a metric ton of money and they paid for her to live, meaning she went home twice a year (she paid her own ticket) and came home with $$$$. I think you could bring along your Boy and he could be a tourist or something while you work.
All I can say is the job market is stinky, I've been out of school 2 1/2 years and had to start all over again in a different major to have a job, and Kit has been out over a year and doesn't have any real work (theater popcorn seller doesn't count). Kit's brother Nick has a B.F.A and graduated with Kit and just now (as in two weeks ago) found work related to his degree.
Go to Japan and wait out this president's term, you will have way more fun that way =)