"What am I going to do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?"

Can somebody tell me how the hell I got stuck on dispatch AGAIN? Kee-rist, people. ;pppp

On a different note, anybody need a job?? Apparently we have 3 openings next term. Come drive the dr0nks with me! LMAO

I think I am going to echo aaron's sentiment about not feeling the love. Of course, I'm at work, so it'd be kind of pointless for anyone to call me right *now*, but eh, y'know. I don't often plan excursions, because I'm busy and/or lazy, so call me if you ever *are* planning things, ja?

I was going to write some big introspective thing about how I can't meet people because I'm lame and shy and/or they're wigged out by my personality, but I don't have time now, so I go. ::asdlfhdlka::

Who cares about you anyway?

Feeling sad this morning. I don't know why, but I feel hated.

That's probably self-flattery, though, because hate requires a lot of energy, probably more than anyone feels compelled to expend on me. But I do. I feel hated, and stupid, and I wonder constantly what I might have done to make other people respond to me so negatively.

And I also worry that the answer might be nothing at all. That I do it just by existing.

I don't understand why I find people who are exactly the sort that I want to be around, and then realize that they are hundreds, or even thousands of miles away. Some of my favourite people are people that I've only seen in the flesh a couple times. How do I find such terrific people in another state, and yet have such a terrible time finding a desirable type where I live?

It's no fun to wonder why people don't call, or why they don't plan things with you, or why people who make your invite list don't even think of you when they're planning the party.

When I think about it, the only times when I have felt that I had a lot of friends were times when I wasn't being myself. They were times when I put on a fake face to make myself more palatable, or times when I was trying to be something that I wasn't. I have fought hard since then to fully realize my true self, and the idea of giving that up in order to have even a basic level of companionship is infuriating. Why should I have to do that?

My parents used to tell me that it was stupid to wish for normalcy, because all people hope to have or be something extraordinary, and the extraordinary is not Normal. I used to tell myself that Normal Is Boring. And I still believe that. I don't really *want* to be Normal.

But Normal is easy. You don't have to think about these things when you're Normal.

Actually, no, I don't feel hated. I just wonder why nobody cares.