Who cares about you anyway?

[batskeets]

Feeling sad this morning. I don't know why, but I feel hated.

That's probably self-flattery, though, because hate requires a lot of energy, probably more than anyone feels compelled to expend on me. But I do. I feel hated, and stupid, and I wonder constantly what I might have done to make other people respond to me so negatively.

And I also worry that the answer might be nothing at all. That I do it just by existing.

I don't understand why I find people who are exactly the sort that I want to be around, and then realize that they are hundreds, or even thousands of miles away. Some of my favourite people are people that I've only seen in the flesh a couple times. How do I find such terrific people in another state, and yet have such a terrible time finding a desirable type where I live?

It's no fun to wonder why people don't call, or why they don't plan things with you, or why people who make your invite list don't even think of you when they're planning the party.

When I think about it, the only times when I have felt that I had a lot of friends were times when I wasn't being myself. They were times when I put on a fake face to make myself more palatable, or times when I was trying to be something that I wasn't. I have fought hard since then to fully realize my true self, and the idea of giving that up in order to have even a basic level of companionship is infuriating. Why should I have to do that?

My parents used to tell me that it was stupid to wish for normalcy, because all people hope to have or be something extraordinary, and the extraordinary is not Normal. I used to tell myself that Normal Is Boring. And I still believe that. I don't really *want* to be Normal.

But Normal is easy. You don't have to think about these things when you're Normal.

Actually, no, I don't feel hated. I just wonder why nobody cares.

Comments

[xplo.livejournal.com]

Yeah.

*hug*

[mathsnerd]

*hug* i understand the feeling. and rest assured, i like you. i think you're sweet, intelligent, funny and a good companion. i hope you feel better soon.

aww :)

[evilbluefairy.livejournal.com]

People tend to be rather ignorant of what goes on around them. It's one of those annoying things people do. Like stating the blindingly obvious. People do that too. :) *hug* I like you! I think you're really interesting and fun :D
I was actually going to comment in yer journal anyways today as Christy and I just got a Sega Genesis! I think we now own every platform (including hand-held) that Sega ever made. Mom got it for us at a yard sale for $30 - two consoles plus like, 20 games. We're going to trade in half the games and the other console for some neato Dreamcast games, plus Altered Beast, and if it's cheap, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. ajhfdhahaha. I swear I've had Smooth Criminal stuck in my head ever since we used to play that. heh.
*hug* I hope people stop being so not fun for you <:)

[aniline.livejournal.com]

I think it's that they've started to assume that you're their friend and that they're assuming they can take you for granted. That's happened to me, until I mentioned it to them. They started to assume I was invited to parties, and stopped inviting me, but then were confused when I didn't show. Ugh.

I think we would all feel more loved if a little light bulb went off whenever someone was thinking about us and didn't say anything. I swear, I've mentioned you to my friends like, 8 times in the last week. So yeah, even if your friends are currently forgetting how cool you are or forgetting to tell & show you, I still think you're rad. :D

Randomly, remember when we used to write down what we did every day and mail it to each other? I officially credit you for inventing my addiction to journaling-as-a-keeping-in-touch method. :D

[whiteraevyn.livejournal.com]

Dude, I am so sorry you feel this way. I know I don't tell you often enough, but you totally r0ck my s0x. You always offer to be there for me when I'm down, and you're always one of the first ones to lend assistance of any kind.

The reason I never invite you to do anything is, well, I never actually *do* anything. I don't go out. Really, I barely do anything beyond school and work, I swear. I'm pretty boring. I often had the same thoughts about being lonely, but then I realized that a lot of us around here are not only very busy, but very isolated. Unfortunately, I think it's a part of getting older. We settle into our routines and do what we have to do, and get lost in the mundane-ness of it all. We can say we're going to make the effort to do things with each other (this being the general "we"), but rarely do they pan out with any regularity. Our lives are punctuated by fun outings and such ... but being an adult in this society often means joining the rat race.

Don't ever "be" anyone but you. I think I have a pretty good idea of who "you" are, and let me tell you, you rule. :) You're so cool and funny and honest. I wish more people could be like that.

Take solace in knowing that people do care about you and love you, even though they're too wrapped up in the crap they need to get done to show it. :)

[skeets.livejournal.com]

LOL, I actually had the same thought a couple months ago: I told a friend that he should call me more often when he wants to do something, and he said that I could do the same as well. To which my first thought was, "...but I never actually DO anything!" ::rotfl::

::hugzzz::

[junsiew.livejournal.com]

hey..you know i'm here fer ya..ebin if my spellin' and grammer aren't so good.

seriously..i've known you since i can remember, and before that too. we've moved cross country together, and you've always been the big sis i never had. i know i never tell you these things, because i assume you know this! but i guess you have to face the horrible facts, you are a part of my fam now...ohana baby!

btw..called my mom, she wants to know if you want her to pick you up from the portland bus stop, or if you are just going to take the local bus to our house on weds. also to let her know what time you are planning to be down..er..up...down to beavton.

Hmm..

[alfonzobean.livejournal.com]

I was just having this same discussion with myself a few days ago amidst some self-realization of the less than kind variety. And I even thought for a bit, "Hey, there are people I used to know pretty well living less than thirty feet above my head and I never even visit them. What the heck is up with that?" However, rather than acting on this I then proceeded to sit around the apartment all week in my housecoat and try to distract myself from the root of the problem, which I don't think applies here. The symptoms, however, including the "Why doesn't anyone really like me?" sensation, I can completely identify with.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that:

A) You shouldn't worry about being "normal". People who really like you like you for being who you are. I can't imagine liking a "normal" person simply because they're shallow and dull, which I think is the definition of normalcy. They never disagree with the mainstream point of view, which I happen to despise, and they all dress the same. Ew.

Which leads me to B) Everyone has these slumps. I don't think I've ever known anyone who doesn't have a day or month or eight million where they feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with them. Not seeing people is a big part of that. I keep watching the people I was really close to get away from me in one way or another. It's no one's fault, or everyone's, but either way it just happens. There are new people, though, and they're actually out there. I've had contact with a few. One just has to have faith they'll show up at some point. Meet them at random in line for tickets to Two Towers or something - I met a professor in line for Fellowship, was the oddest thing. I think that's how it works.

And C) Wearing a funny hat won't change anything. Stay away from the funny hats. No, no deeper meaning here, just a warning. Funny hats = evil, unless there's a specific reason to be wearing one, like telephone maintenence. I felt that this whole thing was getting a little too serious and introspective, so I had to inject some badly placed and poorly thought out humor into the whole thing. I just have to hope it manages to survive the over-explanation I'm currently giving it.

Anyhoo, I hope you feel better. If I ever do anything non-school/work related again (beyond sit at the house and catch up on my TV) I'll try ot come upstairs and bug 'ya. Feel free to drop in some time, too. I'm here around 1 AM most days trying to justify going to bed and conversation wouldn't be unwelcome. :-) Consider it a standing invite, though perhaps a "light-on-in-the-window" check wouldn't be ill advised, what with the time and all.