Not Charming
May. 6th, 2010 01:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
batskeetsSometime before heading over to my D20 session yesterday, I recall having a thought along the lines of, "I'm too drained to be charming anymore."
I've damned near overdosed on a lot of things these past couple of months: travel, friends, wushu (of course), music, dating (dear god, dating), words, love... and reclaiming things that are Mine. This process has been full of rewards, but it has also slowly drained my emotional reserves, a fact I conveniently ignored. I didn't acknowledge this until I flopped down on the hotel bed in Berkeley last Friday night, wanting nothing more than to go home and sleep for a year.
The other day, I theorized that my the "I" in my INFJ was creeping towards E, because it has seemed noticeably easier to not only get through, but enjoy the various situations that previously would've made my Introvert self crumble with anxiety. Even in instances when I thought I didn't have the energy to get through a social situation, I pushed myself through it anyway, and came away feeling relieved and restored.
Now that I'm back, however, there's another well in my psyche that needs restoring, and extroversion will not fill it. I've flown for quite a while on the love and support of friends, but I think I knew in my heart that it wouldn't last forever. I used to avoid social interaction, until I learned to how to survive it. Now, I seem to be learning how to value and appreciate it, and absorb all of the good that can come from it. Yet, even still, I don't think I'll ever really thrive upon it.
Something has certainly changed, though, and it's largely because I've accepted that I'm Not Naturally Charming. And, I've also accepted that not everyone cares whether or not I'm feeling charming on a given day. The people who truly matter don't. Thing is, I've always tried to let the people I care for know that they don't *have* to be in a 100% Good Mood for me to enjoy their company, but I've only recently started to give myself that kind of leeway.
Yes, if it wasn't already apparent: you do not have to be charming, happy, and full of energy for me to want to see you. Just so it's been explicitly stated. ;)
I've bailed on plenty of social gatherings in the past, because I was tired, stressed, and didn't feel I was fit for human consumption. I'm doing that less, as time goes on, and although there will always be an upper limit to what I can take on emotionally, I'm at least happy to have more control over making the choice to Go Out or Stay In. And I have a better idea of how far I can teeter over the edge without falling off of it.
There's been a lot of fear in my heart as I move through this, and anxiety still rears its head on a fairly regular basis. And I *am* still an introvert, no matter how much it can sometimes get in the way of what I want for myself. But, this is a time for pushing past fear, and confronting personal demons, and moving towards a place of greater peace and balance.
For now, I'm making a date with a can of paint, some IKEA curtains, and a marathon session of Dragon Age for Sunday. I might be coaxed out of my cave for a couple hours to see Iron Man, but that's about it. That almost-empty well needs a bit of a lift.
I've damned near overdosed on a lot of things these past couple of months: travel, friends, wushu (of course), music, dating (dear god, dating), words, love... and reclaiming things that are Mine. This process has been full of rewards, but it has also slowly drained my emotional reserves, a fact I conveniently ignored. I didn't acknowledge this until I flopped down on the hotel bed in Berkeley last Friday night, wanting nothing more than to go home and sleep for a year.
The other day, I theorized that my the "I" in my INFJ was creeping towards E, because it has seemed noticeably easier to not only get through, but enjoy the various situations that previously would've made my Introvert self crumble with anxiety. Even in instances when I thought I didn't have the energy to get through a social situation, I pushed myself through it anyway, and came away feeling relieved and restored.
Now that I'm back, however, there's another well in my psyche that needs restoring, and extroversion will not fill it. I've flown for quite a while on the love and support of friends, but I think I knew in my heart that it wouldn't last forever. I used to avoid social interaction, until I learned to how to survive it. Now, I seem to be learning how to value and appreciate it, and absorb all of the good that can come from it. Yet, even still, I don't think I'll ever really thrive upon it.
Something has certainly changed, though, and it's largely because I've accepted that I'm Not Naturally Charming. And, I've also accepted that not everyone cares whether or not I'm feeling charming on a given day. The people who truly matter don't. Thing is, I've always tried to let the people I care for know that they don't *have* to be in a 100% Good Mood for me to enjoy their company, but I've only recently started to give myself that kind of leeway.
Yes, if it wasn't already apparent: you do not have to be charming, happy, and full of energy for me to want to see you. Just so it's been explicitly stated. ;)
I've bailed on plenty of social gatherings in the past, because I was tired, stressed, and didn't feel I was fit for human consumption. I'm doing that less, as time goes on, and although there will always be an upper limit to what I can take on emotionally, I'm at least happy to have more control over making the choice to Go Out or Stay In. And I have a better idea of how far I can teeter over the edge without falling off of it.
There's been a lot of fear in my heart as I move through this, and anxiety still rears its head on a fairly regular basis. And I *am* still an introvert, no matter how much it can sometimes get in the way of what I want for myself. But, this is a time for pushing past fear, and confronting personal demons, and moving towards a place of greater peace and balance.
For now, I'm making a date with a can of paint, some IKEA curtains, and a marathon session of Dragon Age for Sunday. I might be coaxed out of my cave for a couple hours to see Iron Man, but that's about it. That almost-empty well needs a bit of a lift.
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-06 08:09 pm (UTC)And I'm glad you're starting to sort through these things and coming to grips with being okay with who you are and what you need and giving yourself that. Also, I want pics when you're done with the painting and curtain hanging. ;)
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-06 08:30 pm (UTC)I still have a really hard time navigating the line between "I don't want to hang out with people because I don't think I can put on my happy face" and "I don't want to hang out with people because I have tapped out my resources and I need to recharge", so it's nice to hear about someone else navigating that, too. Anytime I hear I'm not alone, it does me good.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-06 08:34 pm (UTC)Regardless, right on with the revelations. Good damn times.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-06 08:40 pm (UTC)*hugs* I've been appreciative of you being willing to hang out with me when I'm not charming. Sometimes it really is all about the getting-together-in-PJs-and-watching-Buffy. Or whatever. You've seen me at my not-best quite a bit.
Anything that is unbalanced is Not Balanced. Taking time for yourself is a good thing, regardless of who you are (unless you're unhealthy and largely codependent in that way. Which you are not.)
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-05-06 09:48 pm (UTC)And you ARE charming, AND awesome. I wouldn't call you "friend" if you didn't have at least these qualities. Plus, you have so many more.
IM2...Keep me posted on where you're going to see it and if it's an open invite =)
~D.
Not Charming
Date: 2010-05-06 10:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-06 10:51 pm (UTC)The I doesn't have as much to do with how you act as much as it goes off of what you feel like you have to do to recharge your batteries. The concept of getting agitated and stressed when you have a little downtime is completely foreign to me, but there's a lot of people like that.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 06:35 am (UTC)