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Snaps and Clicks
Dec. 8th, 2014 05:34 pmI had a bit of a moment, recently. A series of seemingly senseless trials and mishaps have come at me, ever since that late-September night when my car was broken into. I am normally stubborn to a fault and don't quit anything before I'm good and ready, but as of recent, it's felt a lot like the world is out to get me, and in a not-small way.
When I got word that my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, that was my breaking point. I thought about wanting to be there, wishing I had been there more in the past, realizing that I couldn't afford it and still can't, questioning all of the decisions that have led me to this place of struggle. And, at that point, I finally gave myself permission to just... stop. Just for a little while. And also, to be really tired and sad, because lord knows I had reason to be.
In the days since, something in me seems to have snapped. Or clicked. I'm not quite sure which, yet, but I chose those two words knowing that they have opposing connotations. All I know is, I'm tired of the struggle, and I know there is no good reason why I should continue to live like this.
I am not in a good place. When people ask, "how are you?" I can't quite bring myself to say, "good," because I know it's a lie.
I still haven't figured out how to tell my teammates about what's going on with me, about why I might seem checked out at practice. Hell, I haven't figured out how to tell hardly anyone. I've told a few people, and I was still feeling shocked and numb enough that I didn't start crying all over the place. But, you don't exactly have the conversation about how sad you are at a loud holiday party... so, people are left to guess. And, given that I'm fairly inscrutable, I'm sure only a precious few can tell that I'm not okay.
But, I keep going. I am keeping up with projects--I dare say that, if it weren't for my busted photo server (one of the many mishaps of recent), I'd be ahead on my projects. I am skating at every practice that my health will allow (which hasn't been my usual 100%, because I've been sick several times), and lifting huge at our new crossfit gym. I'm picking up extra shifts at the boutique, when I can. I am making attempts to be a social human, and also attempting to balance those attempts with proper sleeping and eating.
Something does have to change, though. I know that. I now have a solo portfolio in place, and I've begun to apply for jobs with it. I'm trying new ideas. (social media campaigns, oy vey) I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
There are various social escapades that I'm considering scaling back on. I'm still trying to ascertain if they're things that serve as an escape from a less-than-kind reality, or things that I genuinely enjoy for the sake of themselves. There are people I love, people whom I want to see more of, but there may not be enough hours in the day for all of them AND for myself.
I'm becoming more and more aware that, hey, I am actually a legitimately good designer. In fact, for somebody who's largely self-taught, I'm a *really* good designer. I know how to balance the pretty with the practical. And, I've had the thought that, well, maybe I've gotten as good as I'm going to get on my own, at least for now.
There are times when I think that I've finally run out of hope, and that is a sad place to be. But, if it means that I'm going to fill that space with action and ambition, and stop settling for less, then... maybe that isn't such a bad thing.
When I got word that my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, that was my breaking point. I thought about wanting to be there, wishing I had been there more in the past, realizing that I couldn't afford it and still can't, questioning all of the decisions that have led me to this place of struggle. And, at that point, I finally gave myself permission to just... stop. Just for a little while. And also, to be really tired and sad, because lord knows I had reason to be.
In the days since, something in me seems to have snapped. Or clicked. I'm not quite sure which, yet, but I chose those two words knowing that they have opposing connotations. All I know is, I'm tired of the struggle, and I know there is no good reason why I should continue to live like this.
I am not in a good place. When people ask, "how are you?" I can't quite bring myself to say, "good," because I know it's a lie.
I still haven't figured out how to tell my teammates about what's going on with me, about why I might seem checked out at practice. Hell, I haven't figured out how to tell hardly anyone. I've told a few people, and I was still feeling shocked and numb enough that I didn't start crying all over the place. But, you don't exactly have the conversation about how sad you are at a loud holiday party... so, people are left to guess. And, given that I'm fairly inscrutable, I'm sure only a precious few can tell that I'm not okay.
But, I keep going. I am keeping up with projects--I dare say that, if it weren't for my busted photo server (one of the many mishaps of recent), I'd be ahead on my projects. I am skating at every practice that my health will allow (which hasn't been my usual 100%, because I've been sick several times), and lifting huge at our new crossfit gym. I'm picking up extra shifts at the boutique, when I can. I am making attempts to be a social human, and also attempting to balance those attempts with proper sleeping and eating.
Something does have to change, though. I know that. I now have a solo portfolio in place, and I've begun to apply for jobs with it. I'm trying new ideas. (social media campaigns, oy vey) I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
There are various social escapades that I'm considering scaling back on. I'm still trying to ascertain if they're things that serve as an escape from a less-than-kind reality, or things that I genuinely enjoy for the sake of themselves. There are people I love, people whom I want to see more of, but there may not be enough hours in the day for all of them AND for myself.
I'm becoming more and more aware that, hey, I am actually a legitimately good designer. In fact, for somebody who's largely self-taught, I'm a *really* good designer. I know how to balance the pretty with the practical. And, I've had the thought that, well, maybe I've gotten as good as I'm going to get on my own, at least for now.
There are times when I think that I've finally run out of hope, and that is a sad place to be. But, if it means that I'm going to fill that space with action and ambition, and stop settling for less, then... maybe that isn't such a bad thing.
