batskeets: (j)
Apparently, I am now the guy who goes to an afterparty and ends up in a feely-feels conversation with a person I've just met.

I can't remember how we got on the topic, but one of the ladies from a team we played while I was in LA made comment about how she'd lost 50 pounds in the past few months. I mentioned that I'd lost 50-ish pounds myself, a few years ago. She lamented that she was having a hard time adjusting, and had already gained some weight back.

I told her that I'd had the same experience--when you've grown up overweight and managed to shed the weight, you only have two settings: Fat Kid Mode, and Super-Hardcore Weight Loss Mode. Maintenance is the hardest part, by far, of any significant weight loss. Nobody is there to teach you how to eat like a normal person.

I had to learn for myself how to treat food like fuel, to have it be an experience that I enjoyed for taste, and enjoyed for health. I had to undo years of plate-cleaner habits, or at least hack my way around them. (seriously, why are bowls and plates so damned huge?) I had to teach myself how to stop being afraid of food, and how to be moderate about eating the things I loved that weren't so good for me. It was a years-long struggle, but eventually, I stopped having to count calories and go to extremes.

I (somewhat drunkenly) told her that, yeah, it's a really difficult thing, because you have to teach yourself to think differently. And yet, it is possible. I realized that it's been... eight? Nine? years since I lost the vast majority of my weight. I've been skinnier in that time, and I've been fatter, but overall I seem to have found a pretty happy medium. I'll eat my vegetables because I now know how to enjoy them and to cook them well, and I'll eat my hamburger after a particularly tough 3-hour skate practice, when I bloody well feel like it.

She said that she felt better after hearing me say that. I hope she was sober enough in the moment to remember that conversation the next day. :)
Possibly my least-favorite piece of feedback yet: I sent out a logo comp for a health coaching business, which included a silhouette of a female runner. It looks like a normal-sized person to me, especially when I think of someone who's fit and muscular. BUT, of course, the client thinks the runner looks "fat." (yes, that was the word the client used. Ick.)

UGH. Is it any wonder such a huge percentage of women have a friggin' complex about how their bodies look?

Related: I've had entirely too many clients throw the term, "edgy" at me, as of recent. Do people even know what they mean when they say "edgy"? SO VAGUE. Ugh. Choose other, different descriptors plz kthx.

On the up side, my project manager is basically a wizard, and has taken my incredibly sparse excuse for training and run with it. She is rocking it with clients, and is making this crazy-busy period noticeably more bearable for me. The mere fact that I can count on her to put out proposals and help with communication eases my mind, and it might actually help even out how new work cycles in, so I DON'T have to be freaking out all the time.

So, in short: Awesome people are awesome. Non-awesome people need to look at their lives and look at their choices.
There's something quite nice about having someone describe you as "thick," intend it as a compliment, and say it as proof of how strong and capable you are.

Seriously, guys, there needs to be more of that in our culture. Just sayin'.
Well, 2013 has hit like a ton of bricks. I mean, things are pretty good, but right now? Aaaaggghhh, so overwhelmed. It'll pass.

Anyhoo, resolutions are really not my jam, because I'm not always realistic with goal-setting, which usually means aiming way too high, and setting myself up for failure and/or a marked loss of sanity. So I'm blatantly ignoring SMART goal-setting parameters, and just rattling off some general things I'd like to work on in 2013.

Things I want in the new year:
  • More money. I'm on my way with that, and things are definitely looking busy in the coming weeks--to the extent that I wish there were more of me to go around--but yeah, more cash please.
  • Self-care. I do so well at everything when I take care of myself. But, sometimes, I still fall off the wagon on this, and I want that to happen less. I think the big piece I'm missing is asking for and accepting help when I need it. Which, agh. We'll see.
  • More structure. Self-employment has led to kind of a weird existence without a great deal of regularity to it. Sometimes, I'm up early and in the office all day, other times (like today) I'll sleep in until 10am, putter around til Noon, and then find myself working again late at night. I hope that living with Joe will help with some of that, because splitting time between two places isn't doing me many favors.
  • To be more present. I think this has always been a problem for me, but interestingly, scrimmage has made me more aware of it. When my life gets stressful and overly busy, then 70% (or less) of my brain  is where my body is, because my mind is zooming around elsewhere. I don't want to miss out on 30+% of the wonderful things that are happening in the Here and Now.
  • To better express myself. I'm lucky to have Joe and a few friends in my life who make it easier for me to talk about what I'm thinking and how I feel. I'd love to be able to cast that net wider, though, and actually say what I'm thinking in general, rather than just overthinking it and letting it go unsaid
  • Skating faster, stronger, and smarter. I want to be the best damned High Roller I can be, and make my teammates proud, and have a really fun time doing it. And I'm going to work my ass off to get there. OF COURSE.
Things that I did pretty darned well in 2012:
  • Got noticeably better at saying No. I wasn't so sure about this at first, but there actually were fewer days when I ran around to eleventy-billion different places, because I thought I could do All The Things. If I didn't feel up to doing something, I gave my apologies and didn't dwell on it. I'll keep working at this.
  • Pushed some boundaries, and found respect for others. With a lot of thinking, and the support of people around me, I found some beliefs that were kind of stupid and not very constructive for me. But, I also figured out that some of the boundaries I have exist for a reason. I've pushed myself really hard this year, and found that I can expand beyond my old boundaries, if I do it intelligently.
  • Built a business that doesn't suck! It's actually going pretty well, even. I have a new work space now, and I did have to downsize a bit on square footage, but I love everything else about it. I'm doing work that I believe in, and that I'm excited about, and although I'm not raking in riches, I can eke out a simple existence. This year will be all about being more efficient, more networked, and more awesome.
  • Got drafted to a roller derby team. And not just any team, but the best team EVER. I now skate alongside people on travel team who used to intimidate the crap out of me. I now skate with my old Wreckers coach, who is still robably the most positive influence I've ever had in derby. It's an honor to skate with them, and it feels good to work at something and have it really, truly pay off.
  • Maintained a really awesome relationship. We communicate well, we support each other, we have fun together. Discussions that were horrible in past relationships were shockingly easy with Joe. A lot of my past relationships took a huge downturn by the 2-year mark (whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not), but Joe and I have made it past 2 years, and I still get kicky feet when I see him. Teehee. :D
  • Kept in awesome shape year-round. Even harder than losing weight is maintaining a loss, and I feel like this was easier in 2012 than it's been previously. Also, I usually gain 10-15 pounds during the holidays, but this year, I made a pact with myself to keep any gain at 5 pounds or less. And wouldn't you know? I actually succeeded. Woo!
[CONTEXT NOTE: I started blogging about derby-related things for the league and OHSU about a month ago--I'm one of several skaters who writes up a piece once a month. So, yeah, this piece is for that.

Also, here's the bridal runway event mentioned in the post. If you're in Portland, and either getting married or wildly interested in wedding-type things, then yeah, consider checking it out.]

A measuring tape is wrapped around my hips, and a number gets scrawled on a line sheet. I exhale a little.

I step into a wedding dress, with massive layers of skirt, and intricate pleating on the bodice. I’m a little afraid of smashing the seemingly delicate garment under my calloused feet, but it’s sturdier than it looks.

“We’ve just had skinny girls in here all week; it’ll nice to see what the dress looks like on a regular person,” says the woman helping me, as she zips up the back of the garment.

I’m being fitted for what will be the third time I’ve worn a wedding dress for an audience. I’ve never been married.

The dress will make its debut in a bridal runway show, with me in full hair and makeup, wearing the highest of heels. It’s been several years since I’ve done it, but I’ve actually walked a runway a few times before–sometimes for offbeat fashion designers, but usually for wedding collections. The bridal industry seems to be one of the few makers of clothing that actually appreciates my Size 12 frame, rather than shaming me for it.

I’ve learned to appreciate it when I connect with more size-positive folks, because I grew up with a lot of shame about my body. I was the kid whose baby fat clung to her, I was the awkward teenager who longed for a single-digit dress size, I was the undergrad whose Freshman 15 became a Freshman 50+. Having a Chinese parent played its part, too–being slim and delicate is critical for women in Asian culture, and it’s also perfectly okay to make the most blunt and direct of comments about weight. Exercise exists to help a woman keep her figure, not for fun, competition, or true fitness.

So, for much of my life, I felt undesirable because I was, “big,” and I always needed to lose a few pounds. TV, magazines, and mall shopping sang the same song I heard at home: that I should be ashamed of my size, and try to get smaller. I let the extra fat on my body hold me back from taking risks, trying new things, connecting with people. Even after I took up martial arts and lost some weight, I was still fixated on losing more. I felt like a clumsy, bloated moose next to the lean-and-mean wushu players who won gold medals, and I certainly didn’t want any of them seeing me in a swimsuit.

All of that started to change when I turned 30, and found my way into roller derby. Derby showed me something completely different from the messages I’d been hearing all my life: women who kick ass and take names, in all shapes and sizes. They aren’t afraid to fall down, to push the limits, to skate just a little bit harder to get past an opposing player, or stop one in her tracks with a crushing hip-check. Just playing derby is a risk, but it’s one that every skater accepts, and stares dead in the eye every time she straps on her gear.

The derby girls I met didn’t seem to know any of the fear I grew up with--flashy, glittery garments were standard fare, and tiny shorts on a big booty was a badge of honor, not a thing to be hidden away. At the Hangar, I got to see women like me do graceful and utterly amazing things on eight wheels. I got to see small, slender women execute insane, powerful moves that you’d never expect from such a small frame.

All of these ladies had ferocity, strength, and confidence, and the more I saw that, the more I realized that I had all of those things within me, too. I could be all of those things, right now, without losing ten pounds or wearing a Size 8. Derby finally drove home the message I wished I’d heard all along: Be healthy. Think about how you feel and what your body can do, not what it looks like.

In past runway shows, I’d felt a mix of nerves and envy, and a twinge of self-loathing, and I wondered if I’d look ridiculous on the runway, next to all of the skinnier girls. When I saw the casting for this bridal runway, however, I didn’t hesitate to sign on, and I’m not even slightly worried about how it’s going to look. I’m going to look fabulous, with my regular-person body, my Size 12 curves, and my 175-ish pounds of ass-kicking muscle and bone.

As I pick up my bag and say my thank-yous at the bridal boutique, I take a peek at the line sheet, where my measurements are written. Bust: 39 1/2", Waist: 31", Hips: 42".

I look at those numbers, and realize that I don’t feel much of anything. 42 inches, 5' 7", 175-ish pounds, Size 12? It’s just a jumble of arbitrary numbers, and they’ll never hold me back again.
In a flurry of exclamation points:
  • I'm moving this weekend! My new house is beautiful! And I'm going to have my own bathroom!
  • I just snagged a new client! Possibly two!
  • I've been gluten-free for three weeks and I'm not going crazy yet! (in fact, I actually feel great!)
  • I'm eating most other things again! (coffee and I still need to work a few things out)
  • My two favorite RCR home teams won last weekend! (now if only I were on the roster for one of them)
  • I finally went running today after wimping out many times due to weather! (it hurt like hell, but TAKE THAT wimpy legs)
  • I skated with the Longview league on Wednesday! It was fun! I'm still a competent skater!
Today is apparently National Chocolate Cake Day, of all things, so I think I may actually flirt with sugary danger and get myself some cake. Gluten-free cake, naturally. God, I feel like a stereotype saying that, but eh, whatever works, right?

So, yes, if you hadn't already guessed: things are good. I only wish I could spread a bit more of the Good around.

Cleaning up

Jan. 9th, 2012 03:19 pm
Today is DAY ONE of my anti-inflammatory cleanse. I’ve done a cleanse once before, a little over a year ago, and I have to say, the results were pretty staggering, and in that good way–I had ridiculous amounts of energy and felt generally awesome. Unfortunately, the holidays and the massive lifestyle changes of 2011 beat my good habits into submission, so it’s given way to way too many grab-and-go meals and too many pastries. But, NO LONGER! I’m ready to stop making excuses, and stop feeling like crap.

I kind of hate using the word, “cleanse,” because that makes people assume that I’ll to be living on cayenne pepper and lemon juice for two weeks, and that’s not what it’s about. Spending two weeks starving is the direct opposite of what I’d consider Healthy or Fun. That said, it won’t be easy, either–these are the things that I need to avoid for the next two weeks:
  • Soy
  • Gluten
  • Dairy
  • Sugar
  • Processed Foods
  • Citrus Fruits (except lemon)
  • Caffeine
  • Alcohol
  • Peanuts
  • Corn
  • Hydrogenated Oils

…yeah, that’s not a short list. And, in all honesty, I don’t really have sensitivity to a lot of foods--sugar definitely makes me wonky, and I’m considering continuing gluten-free for the rest of the month--so a lot of these things will probably come back into my life post-cleanse. I mean, I like cheese. It doesn’t make me feel crappy. I’m going to keep eating it. But, if I can rein it in with a few of these things, I know I’ll be a lot better off.

Anyhoo, yeah, it’s Day 1, and I kind of feel like crap. I miss my coffee. But, that’s normal, and if my previous cleanse experience was any indication, I’ll feel like kicking the ass of everything in a few days.

Kind of wish I could just fast-forward to that, really.

And on the plus side? I ran THREE WHOLE MILES yesterday. That's the first time I've done that since well before spraining my ankle. My legs work! Woohoo!

Yep, that’s pretty much what I feel like doing right now.

Short version is, I’m cleaning up my diet, a thing that I’ve been procrastinating on for the past few months. I’ve been way too busy for my own good, but now that draft is over, and due to my busted ankle I'm not spending all of my spare hours skating, I really have no good excuse to put it off any longer. My primary goal right now is to lay off of the sugar, scale it back on refined flour, and generally not eat out as often, because the grab-and-go coffee shop menus aren’t doing me any favors.

See, I know how to lose weight and maintain it. That's not hard at all. However, doing so in a way that’s actually sustainable with my lifestyle? That’s hard, especially when you run your own business, skate or cross-train six days a week, volunteer for derby, attempt to have a social life outside of derby, have a boyfriend who lives across town, own a house, have six roommates to manage…

…feh. Point being, there’s a litany of excuses I could toss out there, but excuses won’t help you get where you want to go. Well, unless that place is one that involves having a much squishier body. And, well, my lifestyle as it is right now probably isn't a picture-perfect definition of "sustainable," anyway.

I MISS YOU, DELICIOUS BAKED GOODS. Hopefully, I won’t miss you so badly tomorrow.
batskeets: (yan!)
Quick announcement: people who want Jan 15th Derby Tickets, I need to offload these as soon as possible, by Jan 10th at the latest! Several people have indicated interest, but haven't actually bought them, so bring me some $$, or at least let me know one way or the other.


I'm generally not a New Year's Resolution type of girl. I know that works for some, but for me, it's historically resulted in setting myself up for failure and self-flagellation. There are always things I want to do and try, and things that I'm seriously working on, but there are some things that you can't set a deadline on, and some things that are such an involved process that you can't realistically know when or how they'll come to pass.

Still, I like lists, and I have goals. So, documentation must happen!

Goals that are Serious Business (and a few potential strategies for each):

1) Become a full-time photographer in 2011!
  • Sub-goal: Quit The Job or *at least* reduce hours by June 2011, aka my 4-year job-iversary
  • Learn/implement better internet marketing and SEO strategies
  • Try to suck less at networking and schmoozing
  • Shoot more in general; use that to push boundaries and generate interest from potential clients.
2) Do serious work on better managing my focus and attention.
  • Aim for no more than 6 browser tabs open at a given time.
  • Try using Concentrate or other focus and attention apps to help with this.
  • Possibly limit time spent on non-business-related social networking.
  • Get more sleep. No less than 7 hours, preferably 8!
3) Take better care of myself, reduce stress, leave more free time for friends, and for things I want to learn and do
  • Continue learning to say No, and prevent overcommitment.
  • Leave at least one free evening open every week; schedule introvert time into my calendar, if I have to.
  • Cook/eat at home often; use clean eating and 80/20 strategy. Include friends in this; it doesn't always have to be a big production.
  • Stay committed to physical activity and making time for my own wellness.
  • Go to bed earlier!
4) Widen my awareness of the world and all the things happening in it, while still remaining aware of and true to myself.
  • Read more books and more articles
  • Listen to NPR and podcasts while waiting/riding the bus
  • Use free time created via goals #2 and #3 to research and pursue certain interests more thoroughly
  • Continue with therapy and thought, keep up on journaling and writing things out in various locations.

A Few Things I'd Like To Accomplish With Any Newfound Free Time
  • Photograph, write, and publish my roller derby photobook project
  • Shoot more personal projects and collaborations, in general
  • Read more books and play more games.
  • House Things: Yard and basement cleanup, painting accent walls, small improvements which I will not list exhaustively here
  • Finish greenhouse and start veggie garden in Spring, and Do It Right. Maybe a chicken coop later in the year?
  • Study Chinese language, at least in its spoken form
  • Suck less at running (again)
  • Go on spontaneous walks, hikes, road trips.
  • (other things that I'm currently not remembering, heh)

I have to say, I'm also heartened by the fact that Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-List is any sort of weight loss. I can't even begin to express how many times I'd set unrealistic goals for my weight and failed at them, during the times when I was still making New Year's Resolutions. And, oh, there was self-flagellation by the truckload with that one, every single time.

Truth is, I thought about listing that this year, and it's... just not that important. Yeah, after the holidays, I'm feeling a bit more chub-tastic than I'd like, and I'm definitely a bit slower during workouts and I get tired more easily. But, I'm not exactly worried about dropping pounds, and I'm pretty confident that, as I get the Serious Business Goals in motion, the weight and fitness setbacks will settle out on their own. In fact, I haven't yet stepped on a scale in 2011. Granted, we're all of 6 whole days into the new year, but when I think on it, I can't remember the last time that's happened.

This is a new and strange emotional space to be in, but I like it. Focusing on being well, rather than being thinner, feels pretty damned amazing. It'd be nice if I'd reached this point earlier in life, but eh, better late than never. Go me! :)
Well, I'm the last person in the world who expected to be saying this, but: as of Wednesday afternoon, I went 64 hours without solid food.

Part of this group "cleanse" I'm involved was a three-day liquid phase--in reality, more like 2 2/3rd days, because we're advised to give ourselves some steamed vegetables in the evening of day 3--where you consume a homemade anti-inflammatory veggie broth, cranberry juice (no sugar added, of course), herbal teas, and the occasional glass of organic vegetable juice.

This part was completely optional, and at the beginning of the anti-inflammatory portion, I was *very* confident that I'd be skipping the liquid phase, and just continuing to eat clean as we had been for the first week-or-so. But, when this past Sunday's meeting rolled around, I found myself feeling surprisingly froggy about the whole thing. So, I decided that I'd make a small batch of broth and give it a shot, but if I started feeling awful or unable to keep with my normal, active lifestyle, I'd immediately start eating again.

I got up on Day 1, had my morning cup-o-broth, and biked in to work. I sipped on tea and juice, and made it through the first part of the day feeling... perfectly fine, much to my surprise. I got ready to hit the gym in the late afternoon, thinking that surely, I'd be ravenous and light-headed after that. A couple of other folks in our group felt faint and couldn't concentrate as early as the first day, and I expected I'd soon follow suit! But no, I actually felt pretty good. I got a bit growly in the evening, but a bottle of Columbia Gorge Carrot Beet Celery Juice took care of that.

Tuesday went much the same. I did my run-and-yoga in the morning, and even went back to wushu in the evening, and I was a bit sore, but made it through with no real problems. Yesterday, I ran out of broth around mid-day, so I had my steamed veggies in the late-afternoon, and then threw together an awesome quinoa salad for dinner later. I was productive and got a ton of editing done both days, and my concentration wasn't any worse than usual.

I also noticed that my sense of smell with regards to food went completely off-the-charts. Andy and [ profile] dakania came with me to Amy and Travis' to play Rock Band 3 Tuesday evening, and Andy brought his bowl of broccoli with him. Now, Andy does not cook at ALL, so this was just boiled, previously frozen broccoli, as boring as it could possibly be. But it smelled AMAZING to me. And later, when Amy opened a carton of peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's, dear god, THE SMELL. Chocolate and peanut butter, attacking my nostrils!

The other notable thing was that, well, it was nice to not be thinking about food all the damned time. So much of my energy and thought seems to revolve around my next meal, or what would be a healthy option, or how much I really shouldn't have another donut, that it was strangely liberating to just go about my business, sipping on my various liquids, and not have to worry beyond that.

It's definitely been an eye-opener. There have been many things I've eaten in recent months that were mere Wants, due to tiredness, stress, or even just the right social setting. Still, at times, they feel so much like Needs that it's difficult to know when to stop. Although my relationship with food, my body, and my health has improved considerably, it's still far from perfect, and both the 64 hours of liquids and the clean eating before/since have already started to balance me out a bit, on that front. At the very least, I'm being more mindful about the whole eating process, instead of using it as more of a crutch.

Anyhoo, I'm back to eating again today, and none the worse for wear. I never expected to do that well without food, and it's not something I'd have done on my own. Nor is it something I think I'm likely to do again anytime soon because, well, I LOVE FOOD. But, it was an interesting experiment.
Last night was a non-worky evening of Avatar with [ profile] katlyn and [ profile] daemonwise, and it was exactly what the doctor ordered. That show makes me giggle so, so much. (and yes, I am indeed on the ZuTara wagon, heh.) And then, I finished off Season 4 of Weeds, went to bed before midnight, and I slept HARD. It was beautiful.

The thought I'm currently dwelling upon is that I may be doing a "cleanse" of some sort pretty soon here, with a group from a health/yoga joint I've been going to more recently. And no, it's not the Master Cleanse or anything ridiculous like that. I know how I get when I don't eat--i.e. cranky and addle-brained--I'm too active for liquid diets, fasting crashes the metabolism, yadda yadda. No, thus far, it sounds quite a bit like the elimination diet that a lot of folks use to try and figure out if they're eating foods that cause their bodies to react badly.

These past few months of crazy-busy have really led me to eat whatever random crap I can grab in a hurry, and I have definitely lost some sight of the line between actual need and frivolous cravings. And, well, I am starting to see some not-so-happy-making changes in my body, too. I probably won't make a decision until the introductory meeting a week or two from now, but I figure that, if the eating plan is not insane, I'll have a good excuse and some group motivation to do things I've already been meaning to do, like kicking my recent sugar habit, and choosing more intelligently when I eat out.

The million dollar question, however: will I be able to cope without my morning coffee? Because, damnit, I like coffee, and I'm so married to the ritual of sipping coffee while I do my A.M. sift through work e-mail that I'll feel completely "off" without it. But eh, maybe I'll cope better than I think.

And finally, a candid from an August wedding:
A Fistful of Tulle
So, I appear to be slowly losing weight again. Considering how stressed out I've been lately (stress usually makes me gain), and how many social activities I've been engaging in (yep, social drinker/eater to the Nth degree), this. Is. AWESOME.

In light of that, I am vaguely flirting with the notion of doing a bit of cosplay at PAX. But, I can't decide if rolling out that Psylocke costume in the midst of such a grand Geek Pilgrimage would be the best idea ever, or the absolute worst. XD Yeah, I *do* know kung fu, although I've never tried it in 3.5-inch heels. ;)

Anyhoo, yes. PAXPAXPAXPAXPAX. Regardless of the costuming question, I can't freakin' WAIT for Labor Day weekend, y'all.
A grad from Art Institute that Alyson kind of knows contacted me about doing a shoot and asked about trade, so I think I'm going to do part-cash and have her help me with my party costume. :D Plus, it'll be a fun shoot! Win/win!

My first thought was that it'd be nice to do a 1920s/30s kind of thing, but I was hoping to come up with a specific individual to represent in that time period. Here's where my lack of knowledge about the era starts to bite me in the ass. :p

My other prevailing thought was something to represent the Future. After rolling that around a lot, I started looking at Blade Runner for the future-inspired stuff, and thought that Rachel might be cool to do, because she has sort of a period style to her.

And then, I also considered Pris, largely because the mask-like makeup she has towards the end of the movie would be fun. However, I do not have Daryl Hannah's legs, so that's a bit intimidating. (yes, I am still feeling pudgy at the moment. Yes, I know that is also ridiculous.)

I'm still rolling it around, and am certainly open to thoughts, but I should probably decide something soon, so the girl helping me doesn't have to bust it out Project-Runway-style in 24 hours. ;p

In other news, work is really, really boring today. But I did my first bike commute of the Spring this morning, and I kicked its butt! W00t.
Thanks to a discussion on BL-EP, I made this list. It's supposed to be centered around losing weight and getting healthy, but a lot of it applies to my life in general.

Stress (x10000)
Cheese [*now that I think more about it, I have this one pretty well-moderated most days]
Eating Out
Chocolate cravings
Coffee shop pastries
Beer and wine
Late-night semi-drunk Taco Bell runs
Knee problems
Big portions
Winter blahs/depression

Running and biking
Yoga and dance classes
Cooking healthy
Making my own coffee
Working less
Sleeping 8+ hours per night
Keeping up on PT exercises
Seeing friends
I was going to post about shoot day, but then I saw the image below on GFY.

On the day of the shoot, one of the other models held up this magazine cover, and proceeded to tell me that I look like her. And then she went to the guy who did my hair and said, "don't you think this kind of looks like her??"

I don't see it, but then, I've never really thought that any (quasi-)famous person resembled me at all. And I'm sure my opinion is at least somewhat skewed by this lady's relentlessly skinny body.

But yeah, I'm curious: do you agree that this person looks like me? Y/N


Dec. 7th, 2009 08:55 pm
So I'm having another wushu demo, this Saturday at 2pm! This time it's A) Free, and B) at my wushu school on NW 17th and Pettygrove.

And I will actually stay for the whole performance and talk to people after! So yeah, in case you missed the last one and want to come see. It's family-friendly and all that, if you have kidlets. And maybe we can get a late lunch or coffee after.

I may also be rolling out my sleeveless purple silks, so I can flash my guns, hurhurhur! They're looking a bit squishier since Halloween, but eh, not sweating it. I haven't larded up like I did *last* Fall, so I consider that an achievement.

Besides, there's the fact that I am most likely appearing in the new Bishops ads for 2010, and the camera adds 10 pounds, so that? Is much more worth fretting over than having slightly-less-ripped delts at my wushu demo. AAAAAAAHHHH

On the plus side, they are putting the crazyhair on me this Friday! I have no idea what it will look like; I do have some input in what they do, but I have a ton of conflicting ideas. Well, however it turns out, hopefully Ma won't have a heart attack upon seeing it when I go home for Christmas. ;)

Okay, time to go do a Jillian DVD or something. I've got the antsy energies.
Okay, the rest of the crazy Halloween Saturday!

--Dropped in at a party at Serafin's new place for all of 10 minutes. Serafin was not there (he was working), and neither were Ashley and David, who were supposed to be hosting the thing. In fact, not a lot of people were there in general! Boooo.

--In fairness, Ashley was raised Jehovah's Witness and had never trick-or-treated before, so I guess that's as good a reason as any to duck out of your own Halloween party.

--Went to a second party at a church which has since been converted to apartments. It was definitely a cool venue, but I only knew a few people there. (that's where the previously-posted costume photo was taken.)

--It should also be noted that Morgan (the bloody doctor chick) made an awesome jello-shot brain that bled red 100-proof vodka when she cut into it! It was AWESOME. XD

--We also witnessed somebody trying to break into the old bell tower of the church with a screwdriver and an elk hoof. Seriously.

--[ profile] matrixleap and [ profile] herince_emyn's party was my final stop, because ending the evening surrounded by my awesome friends sounded just perfect. Unfortunately, I missed about half of them, because they went to other parties. Still, it was worth heading over there anyway, for the people who *were* still there! <3

--Emmy's cupcakes were hands-down the best of the entire evening... and believe you me, I'd had several by the time I got over there. Not only were they freakin' delicious, but they also came in awesome spooky colors!

--I also wish [ profile] ghost_girl could've seen [ profile] dark_knightly, because she was a freakin' adorable Harley Quinn!

--I am also SO PISSED that I missed this moment of magic. (courtesy [ profile] briscostu and his roommate) I love that friggin' dance and have so many good memories attached to it. ;_;

--Definitely proud that I didn't bitch out on this idea. I think I confronted a decade's worth of body image issues in one fell swoop with this thing. From that standpoint, it was intense. Holy hell.

--I still really don't know how to take compliments. I mean, somebody says something nice, and I say "thank you," and yeah, I get that. But then they go on and say MORE nice things and I'm all, "uhhhhh, derrrr, crap, what do I do now?"

--Small revisions are definitely in order, should I wear this again in the future. (PAX 2010 perhaps?) I must find *some* way of keeping the damned arm and leg bands from falling off. Double-sided tape didn't do the trick, and I was getting annoyed at fussing with them constantly. Maybe stitching the leg bands to the nylons...?

--Getting props on the costume from people who actually know the comics TOTALLY made my night! Much moreso than head-turns from strangers based on hotness factor. I put some serious thought into the various details of this, damnit.

--With that in mind, I DEFINITELY have to dress as something clever and dorky next year. Between FFX-2 Yuna, Xianghua, Bruce Lee, Chun Li, and now Psylocke, I think I've just about worn out the Ass-Kicking Hot Person theme. ;)

--I'll also hopefully dress as something that a majority of people will recognize. I completely lost count of how many times I had to say, "Psylocke from X-Men. Comic books, not movies," on Saturday. ;p


Oct. 14th, 2009 02:37 pm
So, people have definitely been noticing that I'm losing weight, which is cool, of course. There aren't many things better than busting your ass towards a goal, and having that effort recognized, right? The thing that's throwing me off is the words they choose to use... namely, "skinny."

Morgan made an offhand comment, as I was leaving her place a few weeks ago, that I was getting "skinny." Nina and Patrick both said on Sunday that I look "skinny." I dropped in on my jewelry designer client yesterday to get a necklace fixed, and she said I looked "skinny."

"Skinny" is a word that I've always reserved for other people. You know the type: the people who can actually pull off cigarette pants. The girls who walk runways in Size 2 designer sample garments. The boys who can clear out an entire pizza and still be all jutting elbows and bony knees. The people who have no curves and are all angles.

I have never in my life been any of these things. I was the two-bottle baby, I was the chubby teenager, I am the lady with deep bra cups and a round butt. I mean, yeah, I *am* getting slimmer these days, sure. But skinny? REALLY?

I am 165 lbs. of big-boned, German-built, wushu-powered muscle. I'm average height and a double-digit dress size. I have maybe 10 lbs. of fat that I'd like to get rid of, but even when that day arrives, I will most definitely *not* be skinny. I couldn't be skinny if I tried.

Yeah, it's probably silly of me to be weirded out by this. It's only a word, just like slender, or husky, or whatever else. Still, I can't help it. If you'd told me 5 years ago that anyone would be using the word, "skinny," to describe me, I'd have laughed my ass off. In fact, I still might.

So lame.

Oct. 5th, 2009 03:11 pm
Got through the Marathon yesterday just fine. I managed to wear myself out enough on Saturday to go to bed early, so I was actually awake and (gasp!) feeling *good* the whole time. 8 1/2 HOURS of shooting, so lots of money in the pockets. The only downer was that Boy and I got stuck doing "medal shots" for 7 of the 8 1/2 hours, and we haaaate doing medal shots.

Race shoots are, generally, not the most creatively stimulating work. When you're hired to shoot a race, they generally want a very specific type of shot that they can sell to the runner, and you shoot these over-and-over, and you don't get to experiment. Medal shots are even *worse*, because you're dealing with the runners right after they've crossed the finish line and gotten their medal. So, they're hobbling along feeling like DEATH, and you have to get in their faces and ask them to smile for a photo, when all they want is to be left alone for five lousy minutes.

So, yeah, that was pretty lame. By the end of it, if I'd had to say, "can you show your number?" one more time, I'd probably have punched someone in the nuts. But, at least it didn't rain, right?

Physical Therapy is going well, or at least, I figure it must be, because we're scaling back my appointments to 1x/week instead of 2x/week. Today we did more jumping drills, and also some stuff with the "sport cord." The latter involved me putting on this wide belt with a big bungee cord is attached to it, and then jogging forwards and backwards while my therapist held me back with the other end of the cord. Holy poo! It was crazy.

And, since I strained my hamstring a bit recently, I now have hot pink Kinesio-tape on the back of my legs. Fashion statement! But seriously, it's supposed to help support the muscle, so the strain doesn't get worse. I'm continually surprised by all the random techniques and apparatus being introduced to me through this whole process.

Anyhoo, I am resolving to eat clean at least for the rest of the month today, so please don't mail me cookies or anything. Last night we met up with Nathan at the White Eagle, and I had two fancy-schmancy libations, and then horfed down a pita and hummus plate and some of Boy's cajun tots. And now I feel like crap today.

So, yeah, I really need to just get my ass back on the wagon. I've been *maybe* halfway-on since getting back from PAX, and it's certainly not doing my body any favors. Half-assed effort is just a waste of time... I deserve full-assed effort! ;p

Also, not drinking for a long time has made it *super* easy for me to get buzzed on one or two drinks, instead of the 80000 it used to take me most times. I rather like being a cheap date!
Except for the excellent fun of my gaming session yesterday, I had a really lousy day. For a few of the usual reasons, I woke up in a bad mood and not really wanting to talk to anybody. Fortunately, the house was pretty empty for most of the morning, so that wasn't a difficult thing to accomplish.

Went to a party at Serafin's new place after getting back from gaming, and I was tired and mostly hanging around total strangers, and thusly felt very awkward. Then I ate a ton of food that I wasn't hungry for, and didn't even really want, because I was feeling awkward on top of being all depressed. And then I got more depressed after getting home, because I ate so much crap, after promising myself after PAX that I'd keep healthy.

So I basically found myself laying in bed at 2am feeling like a complete loser and wanting to cry about it. Boy was in the basement yukking it up with Andy, and I didn't want to bother anyone else with my piddly issues at such a late hour. I was tired enough to fall asleep pretty quickly, anyway, so I suppose it didn't matter. But I really need to re-evaluate some things, if they're affecting me enough to make me turn back towards compulsive food behaviors.

ANYHOO, here are some things that have made me happier recently, because I need some friggin' positivity today:
  • Finding out that New Seasons carries grass-fed beef... and it's locally-raised!
  • Seeing [ profile] katlyn and [profile] twilite_embrace  at the movies on Friday, even if there wasn't much room for chit-chat. The hugs were still welcome :)
  • Watching 9, which was simply decent plot/character-wise, but the look and the universe they created were *really* enjoyable for me. And 7 was also a total badass.
  • Having a Halloween costume idea that isn't from a video game. Not that there's anything wrong with video game costumes, but after having done that 3 out of the last 4 years, it's time I mix it up a bit. :)
  • Going on a ~2-hour bike ride with Morgan and Pete around the 'Tron area on Saturday, and not entirely sucking at it!
  • Getting good prices on local organics, and also some funky pastries to share with gaming group at the farmer's market. (hawaiian sweet roll with guava-cream-cheese filling! Craziness)
  • Making yams for gaming group yesterday. Oven-roasted with garlic and fresh thyme... they turned out nom-licious!
  • Gaming session. Lots of zombie-smashing, survival horror, and relaxed-and-groovy fun.
Yikes. Upon looking at that list, it's a little scary that food can make me so deliriously happy at some times, and so woefully depressed at others. My relationship with food is quite possibly even more screwed up than my interpersonal relationships.

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