I learned a lot from Spock, growing up. About being an outsider, about listening and observing, about using your intelligence as a tool and not as a weapon, about knowing when to choose reason even when your heart may try to get in the way. And, when called for, he could drop a foe with a subtle word and a deft turn of his hand.

I might have also peed myself a little, when I first learned that Nimoy was also a photographer. He understood how much value there is in looking for the small moments, to take notice of what others often miss. He presented images that challenged our ideas of what it means to be a person.

RIP, good sir. I will always feel privileged to have Spock's name on my jersey, even if my methods are nowhere near as refined as his. I'm only human, after all.

It's over

Jan. 15th, 2015 12:56 pm
The day after tomorrow, I'll be headed to LA for a short stay (returning Monday), to attend a remembrance for my grandpa.

Currently, the mere act of seeing a picture of him, or thinking for too long about him is enough to make my face crumple into a weepy mess. I imagine that seeing the rest of my family, some of whom are normally quite unflappable, in a state where they are feeling extremely... flapped? I don't know. I forget where I was going with that. But, yeah, I wasn't present when my grandmother passed, or in the days following, I don't really know what to expect, or how much I'll be able to hold my shit together.

Fortunately, I've had such a full workweek that there's been basically zero time to think about anything for more than the hottest of seconds. It weirds me out that I'm able to compartmentalize things to this degree, but I guess I really am the Stiff Upper Lip Girl, after all.
2014: Where Dreams Go To Die.
2014: Where Hard Work Means Ending Up At Exactly The Same Place You Started.
2014: Where People Who Are Still Getting Up Get Knocked Down Again.
2014: Where It's Not Just You, But Also People You Care About Getting Sucker Punched.
2014: Where Reality Itself Becomes Your Nemesis.

My last sleep of 2014 involved waking up at 5am wracked with nervous apprehension, and then having a terrible dream once I finally managed to get back to sleep. So, yeah, I'm in a pretty dark mindset on this last day of the year. Not that I wouldn't have been already, but, you know.

I wish I could say that I felt confident that 2015 will hurt less, but I can't. I know that some painful things lie ahead.

In my fit of restlessness last night, I came to the conclusion that I will, in all likelihood, need to move out of the studio. I have enough to pay rent for January, but beyond that, it's not looking good. And, even if I knew I could pay rent for February and beyond, I need that money to live on more than I need it for work. Maybe things will get better, and I can find a new space that'll hopefully suffer fewer broken windows. But, for now, I need to pull my stupid head out of the clouds.

And, that also means the likelihood of having a super-fun, "there may not be work here for you in February," conversation with my project manager, too. I've never had to lay someone off before, and I'm not looking forward to it. I feel sad at the idea of giving up, but after the parade of shit that has been this Fall and Winter, I just don't think I can squeeze out one more drop of optimism. The most hope I've been able to muster is applying for full-time creative jobs, and hoping that a halfway-decent one will take a chance on me.

But, the question of my life's work pales in comparison to my family's struggles. My grandpa's cancer has metastasized, and he was undergoing radiation treatments, while I was visiting him over Christmas. He also had a case of thrush in his throat--a common side effect of the steroids they'd put him on--so he was having difficulty eating, swallowing, even talking at times. He currently weighs less than I do, and his energy was low. He'd seem pretty normal in the mornings, but usually ran out of steam by Noon and wasn't up for much beyond sitting on the couch and watching TV or napping.

I kept busy trying to help out around the house, so my step-grandma and my aunt could actually have a break, but it was a visit punctuated by conversations in hushed voices. Through listening to (or overhearing) such conversations, I learned that, in short, the cancer is, "everywhere," in his body. It's sounding like it's less a question of curing it, and more a matter of extending and easing the time he has left. Guesstimates were made as far as timelines, and based on those, it's likely that he won't be there to see me turn 35 in April.

I try to be grateful that he's had 84 years on this earth, but I still get sad every time I think about it for more than a hot second. I know that I haven't been there as much as I should have. There was never the time or the means--I was either working a 9-to-5 and propping up one of my shitty exes, or riding the self-employment train and barely scraping by. I think about small things, like how lucky it is that he got to see me skate with Travel Team last summer, and I realize that there aren't going to be many more moments like that. No weddings, or great-grandchildren, or celebrations. We're out of time.

That might even be an accurate way to sum up where I'm at: I've run out of time. And I think maybe I lost my way, this past year. I'm in exactly the same place that I was at the end of last year--all but broke, overflowing with worry, casting about for new strategies or new ideas or hints of a miracle.

I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results. Tomorrow seems as good a time to start changing as any.

Perservere

Dec. 16th, 2014 10:13 pm
Welcome to being in a space where all of the options you have seem terrifying, and you can't tell which one is the Good kind of terrifying that means you're challenging yourself, or the Bad kind of terrifying that means you're giving up on what will actually make you happy, and settling for something less.

Maybe none of them are the Good kind. Or maybe none of them are the Bad kind. They look so similar from the outside that there's just no telling.

This, too, shall pass. I will get through this. I have to believe that.
I had a bit of a moment, recently. A series of seemingly senseless trials and mishaps have come at me, ever since that late-September night when my car was broken into. I am normally stubborn to a fault and don't quit anything before I'm good and ready, but as of recent, it's felt a lot like the world is out to get me, and in a not-small way.

When I got word that my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, that was my breaking point. I thought about wanting to be there, wishing I had been there more in the past, realizing that I couldn't afford it and still can't, questioning all of the decisions that have led me to this place of struggle. And, at that point, I finally gave myself permission to just... stop. Just for a little while. And also, to be really tired and sad, because lord knows I had reason to be.

In the days since, something in me seems to have snapped. Or clicked. I'm not quite sure which, yet, but I chose those two words knowing that they have opposing connotations. All I know is, I'm tired of the struggle, and I know there is no good reason why I should continue to live like this.

I am not in a good place. When people ask, "how are you?" I can't quite bring myself to say, "good," because I know it's a lie.

I still haven't figured out how to tell my teammates about what's going on with me, about why I might seem checked out at practice. Hell, I haven't figured out how to tell hardly anyone. I've told a few people, and I was still feeling shocked and numb enough that I didn't start crying all over the place. But, you don't exactly have the conversation about how sad you are at a loud holiday party... so, people are left to guess. And, given that I'm fairly inscrutable, I'm sure only a precious few can tell that I'm not okay.

But, I keep going. I am keeping up with projects--I dare say that, if it weren't for my busted photo server (one of the many mishaps of recent), I'd be ahead on my projects. I am skating at every practice that my health will allow (which hasn't been my usual 100%, because I've been sick several times), and lifting huge at our new crossfit gym. I'm picking up extra shifts at the boutique, when I can. I am making attempts to be a social human, and also attempting to balance those attempts with proper sleeping and eating.

Something does have to change, though. I know that. I now have a solo portfolio in place, and I've begun to apply for jobs with it. I'm trying new ideas. (social media campaigns, oy vey) I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.

There are various social escapades that I'm considering scaling back on. I'm still trying to ascertain if they're things that serve as an escape from a less-than-kind reality, or things that I genuinely enjoy for the sake of themselves. There are people I love, people whom I want to see more of, but there may not be enough hours in the day for all of them AND for myself.

I'm becoming more and more aware that, hey, I am actually a legitimately good designer. In fact, for somebody who's largely self-taught, I'm a *really* good designer. I know how to balance the pretty with the practical. And, I've had the thought that, well, maybe I've gotten as good as I'm going to get on my own, at least for now.

There are times when I think that I've finally run out of hope, and that is a sad place to be. But, if it means that I'm going to fill that space with action and ambition, and stop settling for less, then... maybe that isn't such a bad thing.

Sad times

May. 21st, 2014 03:54 pm
batskeets: (j)
Applying for jobs is usually at least medium-awful, and wrapped up in upsetting and draining circumstances. But this time around, it feels really, really awful.

I'm not sure anything has broken my heart as badly as this. Boy-related hurt doesn't even compare to how I feel right now.
I wish there was more money in making pretty fashion photos in this town. Because, y'know, I hate LA, and would probably also not enjoy New York, but damned if I'm not good at it.

Portland Sparkle!

Yeah, even the local alternative weekly likes this shoot. It's not the first time they've run my work, either. Booyah.

In other news, I spent a large part of July 4th road tripping to Seattle, to play in a tournament where you enter with a 5-person team, and play a single, 2-minute jam against all of the other 5-person teams. We were team TACOCAT, because palindromes are great. And so are tacos. And cats. And my ridiculous peacock capri pants.

Most all of the other teams were basically co-ed superteams, so we didn't win the cash prize, but I think we were the first team to beat the team that did win the cash prize, and it was a pretty effin' beautiful jam. And we won at having the most fun, even in spite of Nabi's hematoma of doom.


Shortly after, I got hit by a pretty massive bout of Capital D(epression), and wound up taking most of the rest of July off from derby, and spending a lot of time feeling sad and loafing around in my pajamas. I'm feeling mostly-normal now, so I'm back at it, but in a way, it was almost easier to just feel sad all the time, instead of my usual state of mild-to-moderate stress, tiredness, and aggravation.

I think the hardest part was talking with Joe (and any friends who noticed enough to inquire) about how I was feeling. Mainly, it was the part where he'd ask if there was anything he could do, and I said, "no, there really isn't anything you can do that you're not already doing." Just saying that out loud made me sadder, which, oops. The thing is, well, outside of being your usual thoughtful and caring self, there really isn't much you can do for a depressed person--they just have to give it time and work through it.

On the plus side, I did get back into having fun with cooking, so the time wasn't a total waste. And of course, I did the necessary workthings, so I'm not starving. And just, holy wow, I have the greatest boyfriend.

...aaand I had somewhere I was going with this, but I got distracted by dinner and Fallout 3 last night. Anyhoo, I'm working on a rebrand, have some big potential projects in the pipeline, and I went back to derby last Saturday because I was finally starting to miss it. SO, I guess y'all can rest assured that things are pretty much back to normal now. :)

Oh yeah, and Joe recently became an uncle for the first time (d'aawwwww), so we visited his sister at the hospital, I took some very nice photos for them, and I also got to hold a very tiny human for a while. I guess she liked me, because she completely sacked out in my arms, heh.

935091_10151615421283347_494444297_n
Yeah, so, totally cried in the car after today's networking lunch. That was awesome. :p

Okay, I was already in a pretty defeatist mood when I left the house this morning. I remembered going to this same event a month ago, and basically shutting down and avoiding people like the plague a solid week before I felt normal again. I wasn't looking forward to that. But, seriously, CRYING? God. When did I become such a goddamned weepy mess? I never used to cry over anything.

I'd love to be in a place where I can just relax and be myself at these stupid networking lunches. Thing is, I don't feel that I CAN be myself, because my Real Self feels really awkward, finds the whole thing somewhat terrifying, and absolutely LOATHES talking about herself. And, I do have sort of a fundamental disconnect with networking: we're all there to get more business, but nobody's really allowed to SAY so.

I mean, yeah, I'll tell you about roller derby, or about PAX, or about how I cried at the ending of Mass Effect 3, but dear god, don't ask me to tell you why you should hire me. I can't handle it, apparently--I'll talk too low, or too fast, or too rambly. I'm so completely without pretense that I can't even pretend to have an organized thought or a snappy message. I can tell OTHER people how to do that, but I can't seem to do it for myself.

I've been advised to let the fact that I love my work shine through, but how the fuck do you DO that when you don't express yourself outward? I heard that a lot when I was growing up: we'd be doing something I liked, and someone would say, "you don't seem very excited."

It's not that I don't think I have skills, either--I'm awesome at what I do. But I'm not awesome at saying so. I've been not-awesome at that, and not-awesome with new people for my entire life. No amount of internal work I've done seems to have fixed that, and yet I have to be good at it. I have to go directly against every Introvert bone in my body and try to do these things, if I have any hope of surviving.

Nothing, NOTHING in the world makes me want to close up shop more than this.

That's the trouble with this whole stupid business thing: I've essentially agreed to have my #1 Failing As a Human Being thrown in my face on a regular basis.
Guh. I am so overdue for an update it is downright appalling. XD It's pretty bad that I'm not even sure what I've talked about and what I haven't. But, yeah, I'm thinking bullet points are a good plan.

  • We had a bout a few weeks ago in Eugene--my first Away bout with my team! It was really fun, and I think we played well, and that I, personally, played well. Basically, we won in every way except getting the most points, heh. There was a really terrible jam ref, and I think that killed us--not that we should have won, necessarily, but the score should have been closer. I can't really feel bad, though, seeing as we were playing their all-star travel team, and all.

  • My birthday is coming up, and I've done basically nothing whatsoever to plan for it, heh. I'll be working at a wedding on my actual birthday, so I have an extra week to pull together birthday shindig plans. Honestly, I'm feeling pretty partied-out these days, so just saying, "hey guys, come over and let's eat and play games and hang out," is more than enough to keep me happy. :)

  • Work got stressful for a bit, there. I got a bit freaked about getting new clients, but I've since gotten some new inquiries, thanks to referrals. I made an agency happy with some development work, so hopefully there'll be more coming from them soon. I'm taking a workshop next week that should hopefully teach me how to suck less at networking. I took care of that ethical quandary I mentioned--I asked the recruiter who connected me with the agency, and she apparently told them the situation and got me the all-clear.

  • Joe lives with me now, and it's all been very good and easy. The only real adjustment was reminding myself that I don't *have* to spend every minute with him when he's around, because now he's around all the time. Otherwise, it's been the smoothest sailing possible. :)

  • I somehow managed to tweak my knee a couple of weeks ago, so I wound up taking a couple of weeks off from skating. Yeah, that was the opposite of fun, and I got really sick of doing pushups and such because I couldn't use my dumb legs. Fortunately, I saw the sports med doctor a couple of days ago, and he said there was a chance of a small meniscus tear, but not enough to make him push for an MRI, and definitely not enough to keep me off-skates. I did all the running and jumping and squatting I could muster to test it out, and then I went back to scrimmage yesterday and everything was fine. MY LEGS WORK WOOOOOO!

  • To be honest, I think I fell into a depression for a few weeks, especially after the knee thing. I think that a lot of emotional flotsam and external obligations piled up, and I finally cracked and just didn't feel like doing ANYTHING. Even doing the bare minimum was excruciating, and then losing exercise as an outlet when I hurt my knee was a pretty huge blow in dealing with depression. I've definitely been less social, and I'm not sure I necessarily see that stopping, even now that I'm feeling better--I'm poking my head back out judiciously, but you know? I overdo these things. I'mma give myself some leeway, here.

  • Anyhoo, YES, I'm doing better now. My mood finally started to lift over this past weekend, and now that I'm skating again, I have that outlet again, too. Spending more time alone and playing video games has helped.

  • Yes, depression can also be blamed for my not updating here in FOREVER. I certainly had the time, when work dropped off, but not the energy or wherewithal.

  • Speaking of which, I've been playing a hell of a lot of Mass Effect. It's so good, and I'm weirdly attached to my Shepard, and the characters are well-drawn and the story is incredibly engaging. I wish more sci-fi movies had as much thought put into them as the Mass Effect team put into their games. I'm just starting out with Mass Effect 3, and I can't wait to pick up more party members, so I can kick that whiny-ass tool Kaidan to the curb.

  • Last weekend, I worked a hilaaaarious fundraiser for shelter dogs--basically, my piece of the event was taking photos of people in Glamour Shots style. (did you know that they still exist? They're using less glow filter nowadays, but the cowboy hats and cheesy posing haven't gone away. Haaahahaha.) It's been a more editing-intensive event shoot than my usual, but it's also an oddly fun exercise in doing all of the awful, overprocess-y things I never, ever do to my normal photos. XD See Exhibit A:

SLG_7020_social
batskeets: (j)
This has been hard to write, because it was a hard choice to make, but today is the day I tried out and made it onto Fresh Meat, so it seems weirdly appropriate to talk about this: I’ve stepped down from Fresh Meat.

I had the misfortune of spraining my ankle, not too terribly long after draft. I’d actually sprained it before, maybe 4 or 5 years ago, but this time was worse–the next day, it hurt to walk, and it was nearly impossible to go up and down stairs. I babied it for a couple of weeks, and it seemed to recover pretty quickly, so I came back to skating. Apparently, that was too soon. Skating felt fine, but taking hits? Not so much. It didn’t take me very long to realize that I was taking a massive risk for a much-worse injury by participating in team-level practices and scrimmaging.

SO, I sat out again for almost a month, going to Fresh Meat practices for half-credit and trying to make myself useful, but mostly just feeling depressed that I couldn’t be skating IN them. It was a little soul-crushing watching my fellow Meaties skate, and knowing I shouldn’t join them. I sometimes did pushups and wall-sits while I watched practice, because I felt so frustrated and antsy about not skating that doing something, anything was better than doing nothing. Even stopping by Wreckers practice for a scant few minutes this past weekend was enough to make me yearn for my skates.

And while I sat out? I stressed out. A LOT. I felt disconnected from derby, and felt like I was missing out on a million things. I wondered if the team captains thought I was slacking, or avoiding their team, or if they had any idea I was injured. I racked my brain for ways that I could train and stay in decent shape without stressing my ankle injury. I wondered why I wasn’t healed yet, and if the doctors were wrong and it was worse than a mere sprain. I worried about how much ground I was losing in terms of being drafted. I felt crushed watching Wednesday night scrimmage, knowing that I was cleared to participate in it, but still hadn’t skated in one because of the Travel Team schedule and my injury. I berated myself for being dumb enough to get hurt in the first place, even though I know that it has nothing to do with being dumb.

I went through this until about a week ago, when I did the math and realized that if I couldn’t be back on-skates right away, I wouldn’t be able to make up my attendance before February draft.

As of today, it has been five weeks since I’ve skated a derby practice. I’ve been doing at-home physical therapy each day, not skating (obviously), and not doing a whole lot of anything, really. I go to yoga classes and do whatever circuit training I can without stressing my ankle, but something as simple as going on a run? Not an option. I’d love to go in and work with a physical therapist, but now that I’m laid-off and self-employed, I don’t have the fancy-schmancy healthcare plan I used to have.

So, I rest, I PT, and I wait. It’s getting better, but it’s really, really slow going.

I’m not crying, though. I’ve always been more of a worrier than a crier, and although derby has made me cry more than a lot of things in my life, I refuse to cry over this. Derby will still be there when I’m healed, February Fresh Meat tryouts are not far away, and I can come back and level up all over again. Even after all of these weeks off to heal, I’ll still be a FAR stronger and better skater than I was one year ago today, and that, plus working my ass off, will get me through. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again.

It’s not goodbye. I’m not done with you, derby. Not by a longshot.
batskeets: (j)
It's funny how you can go from being okay one day, to being, well, "not-so-okay" the next. Today started off on the wrong foot, and the rest of the day wore me down a lot more than I expected. Now I'm finding myself in somber spirits, even after having a whole damned lot of fun at the JoCo show this evening.

It's times like this when you find yourself painting parts of your room at 1:30am. You're tired, yet somehow still antsy, searching for somewhere to direct the energy. The repetitive motion of putting paint roller to wall *was* strangely soothing. And now I'm that much closer to having a space I'll enjoy living in.

I think I have hormones to thank for some of the emo today, so hopefully it'll have blown over when I wake up in the morning. If it doesn't, I guess I'll look for another solution.
Except for the excellent fun of my gaming session yesterday, I had a really lousy day. For a few of the usual reasons, I woke up in a bad mood and not really wanting to talk to anybody. Fortunately, the house was pretty empty for most of the morning, so that wasn't a difficult thing to accomplish.

Went to a party at Serafin's new place after getting back from gaming, and I was tired and mostly hanging around total strangers, and thusly felt very awkward. Then I ate a ton of food that I wasn't hungry for, and didn't even really want, because I was feeling awkward on top of being all depressed. And then I got more depressed after getting home, because I ate so much crap, after promising myself after PAX that I'd keep healthy.

So I basically found myself laying in bed at 2am feeling like a complete loser and wanting to cry about it. Boy was in the basement yukking it up with Andy, and I didn't want to bother anyone else with my piddly issues at such a late hour. I was tired enough to fall asleep pretty quickly, anyway, so I suppose it didn't matter. But I really need to re-evaluate some things, if they're affecting me enough to make me turn back towards compulsive food behaviors.

ANYHOO, here are some things that have made me happier recently, because I need some friggin' positivity today:
  • Finding out that New Seasons carries grass-fed beef... and it's locally-raised!
  • Seeing [livejournal.com profile] katlyn and [profile] twilite_embrace  at the movies on Friday, even if there wasn't much room for chit-chat. The hugs were still welcome :)
  • Watching 9, which was simply decent plot/character-wise, but the look and the universe they created were *really* enjoyable for me. And 7 was also a total badass.
  • Having a Halloween costume idea that isn't from a video game. Not that there's anything wrong with video game costumes, but after having done that 3 out of the last 4 years, it's time I mix it up a bit. :)
  • Going on a ~2-hour bike ride with Morgan and Pete around the 'Tron area on Saturday, and not entirely sucking at it!
  • Getting good prices on local organics, and also some funky pastries to share with gaming group at the farmer's market. (hawaiian sweet roll with guava-cream-cheese filling! Craziness)
  • Making yams for gaming group yesterday. Oven-roasted with garlic and fresh thyme... they turned out nom-licious!
  • Gaming session. Lots of zombie-smashing, survival horror, and relaxed-and-groovy fun.
Yikes. Upon looking at that list, it's a little scary that food can make me so deliriously happy at some times, and so woefully depressed at others. My relationship with food is quite possibly even more screwed up than my interpersonal relationships.

Tired

Feb. 26th, 2009 01:03 pm
Saw naturopath today. I like her a lot, but I may have to switch to a different one, since they're apparently not covered by my insurance. ::eyeroll:: That is beyond irritating.

In my recent pursuit of overall wellness, I've been asked questions about my life and circumstances. The answers have been things like:

"I don't know a lot of people. I don't really have a support system. I'm trying to work on that."
"I worry about pretty much everything. I can always find something to worry about."
"Even when I'm sleeping well, I still feel draggy. I don't remember the last time I really felt 100%."

I don't know how to fix anything that is wrong in my life, and that is driving me insane. Days like this, I wish I could just throw the whole thing out and start over.

Right now, my hopes are riding on an adrenal supplement, some garlic pills (for immune support), and a blood test. I am praying that an answer comes out of this... although, I'm not sure who I'd be praying *to*, since I'm not exactly a subscriber to the whole God-and-Jesus thing.

I'll probably feel better after I get counseled today. I'm just tired of feeling so tired and so stuck. Everything feels so much harder this way.

drive-by

Feb. 8th, 2007 06:46 pm
batskeets: (j)
So I heard this morning that one of my dad's former co-workers died in an accident... I used to biff around at his house and have sleepovers with his daughters when I was in middle school, and although I haven't seen him or his family in quite a few years, I was pretty shocked to hear about it. :( He was about my dad's age, and it's jarring to hear about someone dying when you don't even consider them to be old yet.

I really wonder sometimes how I'd deal with something like that, if it happened to someone who was very close to me. I can't even imagine.

Anyway, so I don't bring everyone down, and also to complete the circle on this week's Phase of Addle-Brained-ness,

BEHOLD MY CRAPPY BROADSWORD FLOWER :O


Tom (a.k.a. "Tom the bokken guy" or "Tom the broom guy") made that yesterday, along with one of Nelson flowering with staff, and one of Goo doing a butterfly kick. If you've heard me blabbing about butterfly kicks, but have no idea what one is, now you know! (and knowing is half the battle!)

Anyway, I'm out.
Ugh, Monday. I feel like this guy today, heh. ;p

Anyway, Saturday pretty much sucked. I didn't really want to mention it when I posted, but I'd been really depressed all day, and being PMSy made that even worse. Or, maybe the PMSing was what made me all depressed in the first place... hard telling. Throw in a raging headache, a stressful and unproductive phone call, and a grumpy boyfriend, and the whole day pretty much sucked. But, at least I got to see a really old RV burst into flame.

...yes, you read that right. About one block over from David and Ben's house, this RV that was parked by the curb literally blew up! I was on the back porch, when I saw the sky flash yellowish and heard a big boom. A moment later, Ben sticks his head out the back door and is all, OMG THE NEIGHBOR'S MOBILE HOME IS BLOWING UP, and I went out front to see smoke and flames extending into the sky from behind the house across the street. We went over there and got as close as we could get, and there were cops and firefighters all over the place trying to put out the fire. It was pretty insane! EDIT: some details about the flaming RV!

Sunday was pretty relaxed and groovy, for the most part. Woke up at 9-ish, and then went back to sleep for what I intended to be an hour, or 90 minutes, tops... it wound up being until sometime after 1pm. ;p We ordered some Chinese food and I finished the scarf I was working on! The surprise party was that evening; they actually had a couple of small bands play in the living room. I wasn't in the mood to stay up super-late, though, so we took off around 11.

Anyhoo, that's all I can think of right now, because (surprise!) my head is pounding *again*. Argh. Must sit up straighter...
batskeets: (finger)
So I've been flailing around the past few months, watching everyone around me getting sick. I would occasionally feel symptoms of various illnesses start to come on, and then I'd get all paranoid about it and blather about how I'm probably getting sick, only to wake up the next day and feel magically better. This has been the pattern for the entire flu/cold season, to date.

Imagine my surprise when, today, I woke up with a sore throat, and feeling generally crappy. And then, about 45 minutes after getting up, my nose started running like crazy. I do not seem to be improving as the day progresses, either.

So, yeah, it seems that I am actually full-on Sick, completely without warning! Sneaky little germs. :p

Anyway, I had a pretty good weekend, but I don't feel like blabbing about that right now, so, later it is.
batskeets: (finger)
OH NOES, I'm next!: The Seven Phases of Owning an iPod.

These guys might want to reconsider their name: Philippines ready for possible war against MILF fighters.

A neat idea for travelling on the cheap: CouchSurfing. :)

I had a moment of grumpy last night; I hauled ass across town last night for a meeting, in the hopes of landing a gig and getting some extra money, but I got screwed out of my chance at it, because the stinking client showed up early. The meeting was all but over by the time I got there. I even got there a few minutes early, myself, but apparently that wasn't early enough. I could've stayed home and actually HAD some dinner, instead of going hungry for absolutely nothing.

So yeah, that really set me off, because I'm PMSing and I'm effin' frustrated at how much I'm busting my ass, and for how little gain. I feel like I'm constantly running around like crazy, and all I ever get for it is more stress and less time to relax. I mean, at least if I was getting money out of it, it'd be worth the additional stress, but I'm getting precisely jack and squat for all my trouble.

I freeze my ass off because all my long-sleeve shirts are two sizes too big, and my pants are practically falling off because I can't buy pants that fit. I need to finish learning forms so I can teach them and be a better coach, but I haven't had time to even look at my instructional VCDs. I want to train and generally get in better shape, but A) I don't have time for extra training, B) I don't have time to cook decent food, and C) if, by some miracle, I *did* lose any more weight, I'll basically be running around town in my underwear. So, I continue to be overweight, and suck at wushu, and have knee problems that I don't have time to fix, even though I know precisely *how* to fix them.

My mom gets pissed off because I'm too busy to answer the phone and talk to her for more than 2 minutes. I barely ever see most of my friends anymore, because I'm either committed to something else by the time they ask, or I don't even hear about it because I don't have time to call and pester people, or play fucking WoW, or whatever else. I can't even sit down and watch TV or do *anything* relaxing, without being struck by the thought that I should be doing something more "productive." And yes, "productive" belongs in quotes, because I'm sure as hell not seeing the benefit from any of it.

It makes you wonder what the hell all the point of this is... it seems like I'll never be any closer to getting ahead.

Okay, that was ranty. Go go gadget PMS! :p
Question: Recommend me a fancy-schmancy new cell phone! I'm looking to get one that I can get for free or better by renewing my T-Mobile contract, and there are some nice ones on Amazon. The annoying thing is that, when you read the customer reviews, they pretty much make it sound like all the possible cell phones out there suck butt. So, it falls to you to give me a recommendation worth its salt!

I'm thinking I may go see The Devil Wears Prada tomorrow night... depends on when [livejournal.com profile] divadrummer wants to go. I still want to see Superman, too, though! Plans should be made, my darlings.

I'd also like to do something fun tonight. I definitely need to unwind after yesterday. I thought about 80's Night at John Henry's, but I haven't decided yet, and I certainly don't have my heart set on it. I'm open to suggestions!

Speaking of which, last night turned out better than I thought it would. It was still kind of an emotional wringer, but both my dad and J were a lot easier to deal with than I feared. I'm kind of a paranoid person, though, so I'm sure I was expecting far worse than I had any right to expect, heh. :)

I've gone and re-christened my work-issued laptop as The Doctor... largely because I'm a dork and like to have matchy themes on my computers. Alphonse has a Fullmetal Alchemist wallpaper on it, Kero-chan has the Kero-chan wallpaper I made on it. However, seeing Christopher Eccleston leaning on the police box, and then looking up in the corner and seeing "Jiraiya" under my HD icon seemed wrong, somehow. ::rotfl:: Yep, a nerd is me.

This is going to sound absurd, but I actually kind of miss the oppressively hot weather! The climate control here at the job was *perfect* for the 90+ degree weather, but now that it's cooled off, I'm freezing my butt off at my desk again. :p

I may go do some laps at the pool for my workout today, which is going to be weird, because I don't think I've done that since junior year of high school! (swimming makes me ravenously hungry, for some reason)

I've got lunch with David in a bit, so I'm off.
So I busted my ankle a while back. And then, right around the time when my ankle started getting better, I strained my hamstring on the same leg. And now that the hamstring injury is getting better, I've gone and busted my ankle *again*, and it's not even a wushu injury this time.

We were having a couple of beers out by the river, and it was all nice and everything, but, well, beer makes you have to pee. I decided that I couldn't hold it anymore, so I got up and started looking for a place to empty my bladder, when I stepped in a ditch or something and heard a fairly loud POP. Um, whoops.

What's even more ridiculous is that we wound up taking off to go watch a movie maybe 15 minutes later, and I absolutely could've held it that long! And then I wouldn't have been staggering around in the dark looking for a place to squat, and I wouldn't have hurt myself. So, so stupid. Lesson learned: always, ALWAYS exercise bladder control.

Just had to share that, because I love it when people laugh at my misfortune. ;p

----------------

I'm making a list of things I want to do. Completely random things that occur to me, without any consideration as to whether or not they're realistic. But that's another post.

Stuff is... weird, for lack of a better word. But I think that I might finally be headed down the right track.

drive-by

Apr. 14th, 2006 02:52 pm
I don't know how it happened, but it seems like as of 2 or 3 days ago, the pr0n spam coming to my e-mail account suddenly like, tripled. x_x I hate it when the spammers find me!

In very sad news, it doesn't look like Portland is going to happen after all, mostly because I'm super-lame and can't afford to pay for the gas, if I want to eat for the next 2 weeks. It seems the lamest reason ever to not go, but it's a genuine one. [livejournal.com profile] shannidee, you have to come back again soon!! ;_;

Well, I still have the Daddies show tonight, at least... I'd give up that ticket if I thought it'd make Portland possible, but that'd only be enough for a one-way trip. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it to wushu and get some practice in before the show, too.

Yeah, I'm kind of hating life. Maybe next week will be better.

In other news, we crazy Wushu people are performing at International Night! It's next Sunday (4/23) at the EMU Ballroom, so come see me jump around like a crazy man, if you're in the area.

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