JESUS CHRIST I need to not let so many days go by between posts. Much TL;DR follows:
It's Saturday night and I'm at home on the intertubes. Not that I have a problem with that. ;)
Things have been interesting since the layoff. I've hardly had to do anything for The Job, and I've been "working" from home with their blessing. I've only been into the office once since they dropped the news--for a meeting that I thought was unnecessary, and that wound up taking all of two minutes--and my mood dropped about a billion points in the half-hour or so I was there. I really am stunningly unhappy there.
I've definitely had a couple of flip-out moments since, sparked by the issue of money, but the root of the issue was really just my feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I've been working a lot of weekends lately, and then working through the week, too, and keeping up with derby and meetings and social things, and doing that seven days a week is just not a thing I can do. It's not a thing that anyone
can do, but it's easy to make yourself work constantly when you work for yourself.
Staying focused on a task--any task--doesn't come easily a lot of the time, and working at The Job, on things that were unchallenging and not engaging, got me in the habit of time-wasting. Now, I have projects that I'm excited about, but the habits that The Job cultivated in me over the past couple of years still creep in. I can tell that the next few weeks (or even months) are going to be about training my brain to be better focused, so I can make the most of my work time, and actually allow myself to make the most of my personal time, too.
Derby's going to be much the same--I'm reaching a point where I'm not running into physical barriers as much as mental barriers. I've built skills, but keeping track of everything happening in the pack is tough, so knowing when to use those skills isn't exactly clear. I have athletic ability, and my balance is improving, but my mental game is almost nonexistent, so it's going to be training the brain there, too, for the next couple of months leading up to draft. I can tell that I'm improving at that just within the past couple of weeks, but it takes a lot of active focus, and that's hard.
It is nice to be at peace with how I'm progressing, though. Open scrimmage was this morning, and I felt that I did okay-but-not-great, but I can point out several things I did that I actually feel good about, and most importantly, I had FUN and didn't get all hung-up on performance. It's pretty excellent to just keep working consistently, and to feel confident that I'll get where I want to go if I just stick to it.
So, eh, maybe I need to transfer some of my derby attitude over to my work life. I'll make it, as long as I keep pushing.
And, hey, a few breaks aren't going to hurt me any, so after this working weekend, I'm giving myself the day off on Monday--I have no meetings, no practices, no work-like obligations. And? I totally get to go to PAX at the end of the month, because my friends are awesome and managed to hook me up. I'm hoping to find a way to get a pass for Joe, too, because he'd love
PAX, so fingers crossed on that.
Which, yeah, appreciation time:
--Joe is an awesome human being. He's been understanding through all of my bad moments this week. I can be myself with him, whether that's giggling like a moron watching Japanese monster movies, racking my brain at pub trivia, or being boring loaf of TV-watching person because I'm too tired for anything else.
--Rib-off was fun, and I'm proud to have A) not lit anything on fire, and B) earned a Best of Show vote from daemonwise
, even if it was the only one we got.
--I think I've seen more of my friends in the past week or two than I had in months, which is *awesome*. Randomly kicking around on Belmont with a few friends last Sunday night was the first time in a while that things actually felt normal. I have friends whom I can be myself with, too, and that's worth so incredibly much.
--I cranked out a web site I'm proud of, and a fashion photoshoot I'm looking forward to unveiling, and I'm getting paid for all of that. Uh, yes please.
--That said, sometimes, all you really need is a good book and a bit of meditative time in the kitchen making pineapple chicken and a banana salad. I feel pretty fortunate to have my Saturday night looking like that.