Apr. 16th, 2015

Last night, I took the track with my home team, and we had a great game. We're now going into the Championship game undefeated, we had a ton of fun, and we played together as a team. I even got to jam a couple of times, and pulled down 35 points in a single jam.

Then, I went into the green room, took off my gear, came back out to the track where my travel team-mates were warming up, and told my travel team captain that I would be stepping down from the team.

I went to hang out with a gaggle of other skaters after that, and when a few of them commented that I wasn't at TT practice, I finally started saying it. And, every time I explained why, I felt more secure in my choice. People were remarkably understanding, and said things like, "good for you," or that they respected me for making that choice, or that they admired my self-awareness.

The right kind of support means so very much, in times like these.

There are times when you realize that, as much as you want to do all the things, and give them your absolute best, you find that you simply can't make it work--not right now, and not the way you want it to. And it kills you to know that you can't realistically give all of those things the passion and the energy that you wish you could. It's the kind of thing you lose sleep over.

Being world champions is a dream that deserves more than a half-assed effort. Everyone on this team deserves more than that. When I think about how the past two months have been, and I realize that I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the person who just phones it in, who's too bedraggled to play at her best. I don't want to be the person who sleepwalks through drills, because her mind is a million miles away. I don't want to be anxious and guilt-ridden about all the things I'm not doing. And ultimately, if I can't give this mission my absolute best right now, then I just don't feel right about continuing to do it.

I am beyond grateful to the people closest to me, who listened patiently as I yammered on and mentally wrestled my way through this. And, I feel lucky to have already received so much support and understanding, in the mere 15-or-so hours since I made it official.

So, hey, it's going to be okay. I'm focusing more energy on fewer things, so I can do those things better. I sincerely hope that my life will settle down in the months to come. I'm kicking ass in my work, I super-love my home team and will keep having a wonderful time with them, and I'm going to be more present in every moment from here on out.

I'm looking forward to a hopefully-near-future, where I can do everything I love with my whole heart, AND my whole ass. ;)

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