Jan. 2nd, 2015

Things that I burned in the fire pit, in the last hour of 2014:

People senselessly breaking my things
Feeling disconnected from people I like
Not accepting my own awesomeness
Drama *
Being flat broke
[--REDACTED--] **

* I didn't actually write-and-burn that one--I fully intended to, but then promptly forgot, because Hosting Duties + ADD + Booze. Fortunately, someone else did write-and-burn it, so I mentally did the same as they burned theirs.

** I know, I'm being a tease. I didn't read it the night-of, either, but listing it helps me remember that it was there.

The last moments of 2014 were about as good as they could've been, with how heavy my heart has felt. It was friends, chatter, hugs, shared joys and woes. There were a few faces that I was sad to not see, when the clock struck Midnight, but that doesn't make me any less grateful for those who were there.

I imbibed more than I should have, but I had my camera on hand at random intervals during our get-together, and I do, fortunately, remember taking most of the shots on that card. There were some pretty damned lovely moments of people I like caught in those frames. Apparently, even when I drink to forget, I still shoot to remember. :)


I know it's a fairly arbitrary marker of time and transition, but things do feel somehow better in 2015. It's as if the whole world has been hibernating--nobody wants to make any serious commitments or big changes, when the year is about to end. But now, we're all coming out of the fog, and starting to take those steps towards better things.

The first text I received, after waking on January 1st, was a friend thanking me for kind things I'd said to him the night before. Something about that just made me feel unreasonably good about things to come.

I'm making plans, taking care of myself, and preparing to make some hard choices. I even have the occasional happy, potentially-useful idea floating to the surface again. I'm doing my best to keep momentum. I try not to let myself linger for too long on the things I can't control, because, yeah, weeping uncontrollably isn't going to solve anything.

Yesterday, I wrote a note to myself on my little whiteboard that said, "Create space for the things you want." Today, I cleaned the studio. There's something very satisfying about throwing things away, and creating physical space. I kind of wish I could do that with my mind, too, but even if I can't clean out the brain meats so easily, I'm making at least a little more sense of that particular mess.

It's a new year. It's going to be okay. Maybe even better than that.

March 2017

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